Friends
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Friends are stupid.
Friends are people with whom we try to form relationships in order to give our lives meaning; however, since humans have been fucking up at everything for everyone since sometime before 1975, our friends and we fail at this as well. In addition to being the asshat sociopaths we willingly yet unwilling share our boring, pointless lives with, friends is also a super shitty T.V. show. Having friends became popular once the series became a hit with American audiences. People everywhere wanted to have people with whom they sometimes did or didn't have sex.
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A shitty T.V. show
Friends was a shitty T.V. show that ran from sometime before 1975 to 1984. Like most television shows in NBC's Thursday night line-up that aren't 30 Rock, it really, really, really sucked ass. The plot revolved around 6 morons who couldn't decide what to order at a starbucks knock-off called The Daily Grind. One moron was in love with one of the other morons, but no one remembers why. One moron was remarkably stupid, and often times the writers would put that moron in nonsensical situations such as trying to poke a dead guy with a large amount of left over chopsticks, wearing a Thanksgiving turkey on everyone's head, trying to marry a British woman, peeing on a jelly-fish sting, starring in stupidly titled made-up plays, working at Bloomingdale's, finding out an evil twin had made a porno using the moron's name instead of their own, being pissed off at Pottery Barn, and masturbating with an Apple Pie. Eventually, all the characters just had sex with each other non-stop on live television; Then They All Got AIDS and Died. Naturally, this is one of the largest hits in American Television history. In fact, it was such a large hit that the Warner Brothers studio lot has titled the sound stage where this abortion was filmed the "Friends" sound stage. No one has filmed on that stage for fear they will make a movie worse than the combined efforts of Michael Bay and Joel Schumaker.
Types of Friends
While you will have many friends, they usually fall into one of these categories. Many people you know will have a little of each of these categories; however, most women are bitches, and most men are fatty-fatty two-by-fours.
Male Friends
If you know someone who has a penis, and you aren't related or currently having sex with them, they are probably a male friend. If you are a slut you will have a lot of "boyfriends"; however, if you are more of a bitch or an asshole, you will have fewer male friends.
Nerds
Nerds are the least sexually threatening of friends, mostly because they are destined to have the least amount of sex. If you know someone who likes computers, robots, and any movie that begins with the word STAR in the title, he is probably your nerd friend. Nerds are useful for fixing your computer, managing your savings account, and making your black-book not seem quite so empty. Nerds will usually end up being your boss once you enter the "real world", which is nothing like the MTV show by the way, and will love the power surge they feel when you ask them if they would like chips with their value-meal. Don't let a nerd start talking about anything even remotely related to computers, as he will never, NEVER shut up once he has started. This is because computers emit a pheromone of unbelievable potency to nerds. Driven by the urges of physiology, they will not be able to quit until they have reached orgasm, which for someone who hasn't gotten laid in twenty years can take an unimaginably long time. Like jock-assholes, nerds have naturally small penises, and must compensate by having huge IQ's. They use their smarts to attract females; however, most types of females outside the Double-Wide and Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth categories find this off-putting. Their natural enemy is the jock-asshole, and they hope to prey on Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth when she gets older. The opposite of the nerd is the Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant.
Stoner
Stoners are a proud industrious people with a long great history. Famous stoners include Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Adolf Hitler, George W. Bush, and Ted from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Stoners are able to take nearly any everyday object and turn it into a bong; because of this, try to keep hollow objects away from your stoner friends. It is probably not a good idea to ride in or drive a stoner friend's car, as they often smell foul and can be full of unpleasant surprises. Stoners are either loaded or broke. When loaded try being a Mr. Mooch, but when broke try to avoid stoner friends as they will become a Mr. Mooch. Stoners naturally congregate outside of Taco-Bell, MacDonalds, and Burger King around 1:00 in the morning; this doubles as their watering hole and possible mating ground, especially if they are into Double-Wides since they also congregate outside of take-away food joints. Stoners have medium sized penises and therefore don't work hard to impress any type of girl. The stoner's only natural enemy is the aged jock-asshole. Stoners prey on all types of girls, even Double-wide if you can Believe That. The opposite of the stoner is the Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth.
Fatty-Fatty Two-By-Four
Fatty-Fatty Two-By-Four is an abbreviation of the Latin "Fatty-Fatty Two-By-Four can't fit through the kitchen door". This man has the size and weight of two men with the strength of a woman. Most fatty-fatty two-by-fours subsist on diets composed of cheese, cabbage, potato crisps, ham, and the occasional small child who wanders too close to him during snack time. If you have food around a fatty-fatty, be careful not to let him too close to it. He is drawn by instinct to shovel food into that gastropod he calls a body at speeds known only to aeroplane pilots and astrophysicists. Also, don't let a fatty-fatty on any of your furniture, many have been known to mysteriously break park benches designed to support a full grown African elephant. Fatty-Fatty two-by-fours usually begin life as jock-asshole, nerds, or stoners but give up on each group's individual philosophy. It is difficult to tell the size of a fatty-fatty two-by-four's penis as they have often not seen it in years; therefore, most people assume that it must be of moderate size. Large enough to enter a Double-Wide's lady parts, but small enough to not be mistaken as a delicious cream filled Twinky or other food. They are natural enemies of all other types of friends as they are capable of consuming anything in their path; however, this is often used to one group's advantage which explains why fatty-fattys are often members of other groups of friends. Fatty-Fatty two-by-fours are forced by their hideous appearance to prey exclusively on Double-wide, the physics of their intercourse continues to astound scientists. Amazingly, some other groups of women find the fatty-fatty two-by-four attractive because "He's like a big, cuddly teddy bear." These women are more than likely bat-shit insane and probably deserve the horrible pop-tart bloated death that they have coming to them. The opposite of the fatty-fatty two-by-four is the Miss. America.
Pretty Boy
Pretty boys are just gay friends who can't find a good man. They use "product" in their hair, and never shut up about how much their "product" cost. If you would like to learn more about their hair "product", watch the piece of shit movie There's Something About Mary. Pretty boys are the best smelling of all the types of male friends as they are the only type of man willing to put whale vomit on their skin, and because of this are only beaten for sexual prowess by the jock-asshole and the yuppie scum. Pretty boys closely resemble women in many respects, this is because they are slowly but surely growing miniature vaginas of their own. Once your pretty boy friend has completed this growth, he will go from being your pretty "boy" friend to being your pretty "transexual" friend. Pretty boys also groom themselves often, as they want their new vaginas to be sparkly clean when they come in. Pretty boys constantly clean themselves because they know that no one wants a dirty snooch, but they haven't learned proper douching technique yet. Pretty boys are also known to never play sports but watch sports all the fucking time. They do this to seem straight, but are really just masturbating as they hear the football announcer shout "That tackle didn't stop him from scoring on the other team". Pretty boys enjoy all sports except rugby. This is because Rugby is the manliest sport on the planet, and therefore reserved for the manly yuppie scum types. Pretty boys love to watch the Food Network and Cooking Chanel, especially when they say phrases like "put meat in the buns", or "I made my own special frosting for this cake". Pretty boys have small and shrinking penises. That means having sex with them can be quite an experience. Their erect form will often mirror their flaccid form, contributing another reason most women use pretty boys merely for one night stands. The pretty boy's natural enemy is the jock-asshole and the yuppie scum. The pretty-boy attempts to prey on all types of females, but is often most successful with the Miss Ditz. The opposite of the pretty boy is the Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She.
Gay
If you have a male friend who likes to have sex with other male friends, he is your gay friend. Gay men are the stupidest of men. These men know first hand all the gross things men do: stink palms, circle jerks, rainbow kisses, and urinal caking. Despite this knowledge they actually WANT to have sex with other men. Obviously, gay men closely resemble women in their levels of stupidity. Gay men love all kinds of shit, literally; because of this, they often double as other types of friends in addition to being your gay friend. Gay friends are good for fashion advice, colourful wardrobes, snarky comments, a steady supply of gerbils for your pet snake, and occasional anal rape. Gays are useful cleaners because they come into intimate contact with gross shit all the time, and they actually find it pleasant. Unlike women, most gays are able to shut their fucking mouths sometimes; however, some gays will resemble Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth. Avoid these gays like the plauge! All men who like chicks are the natural enemies of gays, half because they know getting sex with a man is a piece of piss and the other half because they are secretly gay themselves. Gays have penises that vary vastly in size, but most have large penises. Sadly, most gay men die from shoving a penis too large for their rectum up their ass, or a coke bottle or lightbulb. I also heard about one guy who did it with a horse. The opposite of the gay is the Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening.
Mr. Mooch
Should you be lucky enough to know someone who takes miscelleneous things from you without payment, compensation, or sometimes permission, you most likely have a Mr. Mooch friend. Mr. Mooch is conveniently forgetful, always has to pee when the check comes, and frequently leaves his wallet at certain places when asked for any amount of money. Mr. Mooch will often invite himself to parties, showers, and cluster fucks even though he is clearly not wanted. Should you attempt to keep Mr. Mooch out of such events or shin-digs he will almost always find a way to invite himself or sneak in. This is because all Mr. Mooch share a common body that they mooch off one another; so don't be surprised if you never seem to see your numerous Mr. Mooch friends around each other at the same time. If you ever get a new gadget, Mr. Mooch will constantly ask to steal borrow it. Unlike the nerd who will use it for about fifteen minutes in the bathroom and then returns the device with a few mysterious stains, Mr. Mooch will suddenly have taken found one of his own after absconding with tragically loosing the one you gave lent to him. Mr. Mooch is incapable of finding its own food; instead, he must bum money off richer, smarter types in order to feed. If you have a Mr. Mooch friend, you will be the host to his parasite. He will constantly come to you begging for spare change, a place to sleep. three-finny, a beer, and of course a pint of your blood. Unfortunately, Mr. Mooch was born without a penis, so he will often have to borrow a Dildo or cut your Richard Nixon off, so be sure to wear a cup when doing any activity with him, especially if you are a Yuppie Scum. Mr. Mooch preys on all types of females that are known to carry loose change. If you are a woman, the only way to keep a Mr. Mooch away is spray yourself with cat urine, or, if more drastic measures need be taken, become a Crazy Cat Lady. A mere whiff of cat urine tells Mr. Mooch you clearly don't have any money to spend on humans, since you consider your cats your children. The opposite of the Mr. Mooch is the Super Bitch.
Lazy Amigo
If you know someone who doesn't spik Engrish collectry, they are probably a lazy amigo. Lazy amigos come from other stupider, poorer countries in order to become Mr. Mooches to the government. These people steal the money the government steals from us. Luckily, most businesses exploit the lazy amigo by paying him far less than minimum wage, and then jacking up the prices of everything because he wasn't born here. The lazy amigo is a good person to clean your hotel rooms, build your house, sod your lawn, cook the food in your take-away food franchise, and clean your tub after your enema. While the lazy amigo is exceptional at cleaning, he does not bring his work home with him. The lazy amigo's house is full of all kinds of shit. This dude has way to much crap, and he usually lives with 15 other people who have way too much shit as well. Most lazy amigos wear way too much fucking cologne; since cleaning and bathing never occurs to the lazy amigo this dude just pours it on himself. This makes him smell just fucking wonderful! Lazy amigos have small penises which never become fully erect, as that would require too much for such a small accomplishment. Lazy amigos prey on all types of women who find accents sexy. Sadly for the lazy amigo, the woman he finally catches will quickly become a Double Wide once she adapts to his lifestyle. The opposite of the Lazy Amigo is the Miss. Perky.
Jock-Asshole
The jock-asshole is the most common type of male under twenty. This guy is a mixture of the sexual energy of the gay and the intelligence of the pretty boy. Jock-assholes are incredibly stupid. This is because a group of five shares one collective brain. This helps the team win at their gay little sports, but makes them suck at everything else known to man except fucking. Despite their stupidity, most jocks make decent grades in high school because the teacher was probably a jack-off moron who got the job because they coach some lame-ass sport team at the school. While the pretty boy likes sports secretly, the jock-asshole actively seeks out each sport, even though they're all super gay. Jock-assholes are huge fans of pro-wrestling because the like to see other men get pinned. They like golf because they want to see a man use a long club to get a ball in a tight hole. They like hockey because they want to see men skate around and score on each other. They like baseball and softball because they like using their bats to hit the pitcher's balls and then run home. They like basketball because they want to dribble each other's balls. They like football because they want to see men fling a ball into each other's nets. They like American football because they get to wear tight pants and tackle other men. They like Tennis because it's French, and all french things are gay. None of them like Rugby though, because Rugby is way too awesome and heterosexual a sport. The purpose of Rugby is to beat the shit out of the other men so you can score. The jock-asshole is the easiest type to identify. He will wear his lettermen's jacket to every single fucking thing he does, and will not stop talking about the letters or pins he received for being the tightest ass the other team fucked that year. He will also refer to a man named coach. Coach is his gay mentor who taught him how to take it like a man. The jock-asshole admires coach because he is the elder of the clan. Jock-assholes have amazingly small penises, and are forced to make up for this fact by criticizing all other types of males and most types of females. Jock-assholes are enemies of all types, until they age. Then the nerds and yuppie scum take advantage of the dried out douche-bag by making him bag groceries at one of their local grocery store franchises. The jock preys on all women except for Double-wide and Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She. The opposite of the jock is the Double-wide.
Token Black Guy
In order to be a legitimate group of friends, you will need to have at least one black guy. This is because Martin Luther fought the Civil Rights War in Germany during the Protestant Reformation. One of his 95 feces was that all groups of people must contain at least 1 black guy for every 4 white people. Years later, his great, great, great, great, great, great-grandson Dr. Martin Luther King Junior had a dream that one day laundry could also have the darks washed with the lights. Unfortunately, during the years of the sixties, lots of American Hippies didn't want black people to join their cluster fucks because too many of the male hippies had extremely small penises. This started the Civil Rights War of the 1960's. Eventually all the white people either shaved their heads and became Wooly Willies or dressed up like spooky ghosts and started a club call the Klu-Klux-Jam. Unfortunately, a lot of people mistook the last word for Klan and a lot of unpleasantness resulted. Then, the blacks had the million man march; however, they forgot to hire an auctioneer, so this was mistaken as a terrorist attack on the White House and Prop 8 was passed. Now, we must all be sure that we have at least one black guy in every group to make sure it is legally recognized. That's the only reason you have a token black guy in your group of friends, isn't it? Racist! All token black guys have large token black penises. Token Black Guys prey on all women, and sometime women catch a terrible disease known as Jungle Fever and are forced to have relations with a token black guy in order to cure themselves. The opposite of the token black guy is the Slut.
Yuppie Scum
If you have a friend who lives in a house the size of your apartment complex or state, he is probably a yuppie scum. The yuppie scum is constantly grasping his mobile,black-berry,PDA,Laptop,bluetooth, or left testicle. This is because all yuppie scum think about nothing but business, buying high end products from over-priced shit factories, and sex. Yuppie scum are useful as stockbrokers, doctors, lawyers, scientists, and gigolos. Yuppie scum often have far too many Mr. Mooch friends and criminally few token black friends. Yuppie scum practically cums in his pants when women call him words like rich, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent, or Mr. big-balls. Yuppie scum like to wear expensive clothing, drive foreign made cars, own numerous houses, eat really fucking expensive food, and shoot small animals in their free time. Nothing is too illegal for a Yuppie scum to not try, this is because all Yuppie scums joined a special club called the illuminati. This club allows the Yuppie scum to do whatever the fuck he pleases without legal indictmets or financial obligation. This makes the Yuppie Scum the most exclusive type of friend. Yuppie scum have criminally large penises, which they use to make women bleed during sex. This makes the woman feel guilty, so in the morning the Yuppie scum will guilt the woman into cooking breakfast and cleaning his apartment. Unlike the other types of male friends, the Yuppie scum has slowly over time transformed its natural enemy, Mr. Mooch, into one of its most powerful allies. When a Mr. Mooch asks a Yuppie scum for money, yuppie scum lends the money with 5% daily compounded interest, then proceeds to rape the Mr. Mooch up his ass if he doesn't repay the loan quickly. This forces the Mr. Mooch to mooch off of another Mr. Mooch, making a powerful circle of Mr. Mooch slaves for the yuppie scum to exploit. If you would like to learn more about this behavior, watch the Britney Spears documentary on the subject, Womanizer. Yuppie scum preys on Sluts, Super Bitch, Miss. Isn't-She-Fucking-Brilliant, and Miss. America. The opposite of the Yuppie Scum is the Crazy Cat Lady.
Female Friends
If you know someone with a vagina who you aren't related to or having sex with, she is your female friend (or possibly just a stuck up whore). Female friends smell nicer, bathe more often, and bleed once every four weeks without dying. Try to avoid your female friends during the latter time, but get as close as possible during the former two.
Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant
Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant has the brain the size of a walnut, an IQ as high as a garden snail, and tits the size of cantelopes. Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is remarkably stupid. In fact she is so stupid, she is dumber than you and your mom. Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant often gets in car crashes because the left-brake doesn't work, tries to commit suicide by drowning in carpools, calls the operator to get the number for 911, steals free samples, thinks "Sherlock Homes" is her housing complex, stares at orange juice because it says concentrate, thinks sluts sell potato crisps because they give "Free Lays", and votes for Barack Obama. While you might think Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant couldn't get any stupider, once she discovers the magic of alcohol she will then have the brain capacity of a fruit-fly. Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is always skinny because she is anorexic, and she is anorexic because she has never fully learned to eat. The only things Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant can understand are fashion, sex, getting drunk, drunk sex, drinking, and drinking semen. Although she knows practically nothing, what she knows, she knows well. Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant gives excellent blow-jobs, and her hollow head means she can double as a bong if you're a stoner friend. Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is attracted to shiny objects, especially the class rings of jock-assholes. Once she has seen the glimmer, she will be struck dumbfounded (which isn't much of an accomplishment) and will attempt to have sex with anything within her vicinity. Having sex with her during this period is technically paedophilia or beastiality, depending on how stupid the individual Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is. One advantage of the Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is her silence. Most women like to "speak their mind", and luckily Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant doesn't have a mind. The opposite of the Miss. Isn't-She-Brilliant is the Nerd.
Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth
Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth is really, really, really, REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING BECAUSE SHE NEVER STOPS TALKING REALLY FUCKING LOUD. SHE TALKS LOUDLY BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT YELLING MAKES HER SOUND MORE INTELLIGENT. IT DOESN'T, BUT IT DOES MAKE HER 1,000 TIMES MORE ANNOYING. MISS. DOESN'T-SHUT-HER-FUCKING-MOUTH WILL CONSTANTLY REPEAT HERSELF, BY SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING SHE JUST SAID OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, NEVER SAYING ANYTHING NEW. THEN, JUST WHEN YOU THINK SHE COULDN'T BE ANY MORE OF A BITCH, SHE GETS EVEN FUCKING LOUDER. SHE GETS SO LOUD YOU CAN BARELY HEAR THE THX CERTIFICATION COMMERCIAL. THE ONLY THING LOUDER THAN A MISS. DOESN'T-SHUT-HER-FUCKING-MOUTH IS TWO MISS. DOESN'T-SHUT-HER-FUCKING-MOUTHS HAVING AN ARGUMENT ABOUT WHICH ONE'S PURSE IS CUTER. LUCKY FOR US, WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF MOBILES, SO WE GET TO HEAR STUPID-ASS ARGUMENTS LIKE THIS EVERYWHERE WE GO. The opposite of the Miss. Doesn't-Shut-Her-Fucking-Mouth is the stoner.
Miss. America
Miss. America is smart, witty, charming, pretty, intellectual, and has a great pair of hooters. Unfortunately for you, she is still a woman which means she's got something wrong with her. Sometimes it can be something small like a few felonies and conspiracy charges, but sometimes it can be something huge like starring on Arrested Development. Sadly, most men will never meet a Miss. America and will have to settle for one of the other types of women or go gay. Although she can be a total psycho bitch, especially when she's on the rag, Miss. America is still the most superior type of woman. Mostly because she has the biggest set of knockers outside of the Double-wides. Miss. America takes a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, really long time to get ready for anything. Half because it takes a shit-load of time to get ready to go out when you need to look super sexy while picking up dog-shit, and half because she only has half the intelligence of half the regular woman (who have half the intelligence of men to begin with). Never ask a Miss. America any question that can't be answered with the phrase "World Peace". If you do, she will babble on endlessy about how great the iPhone is and how unfortunate the children in Africa are because they're all dying of AIDS and cancer. Miss. America really likes to have freaky sex, but Lord Xenu hates it when someone scores with a hotter chick than he does and will make the Jew controlled media rabble on for hours about how shocking it is that a how woman likes to cover herself in salad dressing and spank an ablino midget, even though it's a perfectly natural part of being in love. The opposite of the Miss. America is the Fatty-Fatty Two-By-Four.
Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She?
Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She is probably a woman, but it is currently impossible for one to be certain. Most What-The-Fuck-Is-She hang out with prettier girls, in order to make them look more attractive by comparison. This is a good strategy for the other girl as well as the Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She since she is usually a lesbian. It can be very unfortunate if a Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She has an extremely feminine body and ass-ugly face. Men will take a look at her tight ass, long legs, firm breasts, and then gape horribly at her deformed face. Unfortunately for the men, this is how all Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She get their powers. Once the men have had enough sexual thoughts about porking her ass, she can then change her appearance in order to fuck with the minds of young, horny males. This ability gives her unimaginable strenghth, surpassed only by god and Lord Xenu. Unfortunately, it also makes her increadibly evil and the scourge of all heterosexual men. Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She needs this power from males in order to have her freaky lesbian sex which requires that she grow a penis and then have it explode once orgasm has been reached. Sometimes it can be very difficult to distinguish a Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She from her opposite the Pretty Boy; however there is a simple way. If you ask her to see her vagina, a Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She will get really, really pissed off, but a Pretty Boy will tell you he doesn't have a vagina because it hasn't come in yet. As mentioned previously, the opposite of the Miss. What-The-Fuck-Is-She is the Pretty Boy.
Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening
Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening is really fucking annoying, and really fucking boring. Famous examples of Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening include Hillary Clinton, Meg from Family Guy, and John McCain. Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening talks for a really long time about shit no one except her cares about, except maybe nerds, who I don't consider people. She talks for days about how fucking brilliant Watchmen was, how important the next version of the Apple iShit will be to the economy, and how much she really liked the Transformers movie. Well, Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening, no one gives a shit!!! Plus, all those things are totally fucking stupid and meaningless. Then, just when she takes a breathe after the 12 hour long tirade she just gave us about how important recycling your dog-feces is to the world, she starts to look kind of hot. Honestly, if she weren't so fucking condescending all the time you know you'd totally do her. Unfortunately for those of you who will fuck the Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening, she will never cook or clean anything. She says that those activities are "degrading" to women, and that a man is just as capable as a woman around the house. Well, you stupid bitch, that means that you should be a fucking expert at it! Maybe you should stop studying Feminist theory and learn how to bake me a fucking pie! You god damn Nazi Bitch. The opposite of the Miss. Aren't-You-Fucking-Enlightening is the gay.
Super Bitch
Super Bitch is the result of any woman having her period. During this time of the month, be sure to avoid all women. The Super Bitch is the reason most men turn gay. Honestly, sticking your penis in another man's butt is a lot less trouble than living with something that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die. The most feared of all women, the Super Bitch has no heart. She has been forced to cut it out of her body so that she will stop having periods, although it seems like she never stops having them. Super Bitch loves to do any thing that will bring misery to men. She will cock-block, cause serious cases of blue-balls, and in rare cases use a coke bottle to cut off your penis in the mall parking lot. It's all sad but true, Super Bitch knows no bounds. All women will turn into super bitch at least once a month, unless they are pregnant, which has its own set of problems. While annoying as hell, the Super Bitch is the only reason the human race has survived. Without her annoying visit from Aunt Flow, most men would never be able to live with an evil bitch and her spawn for any amount of time. The opposite of the super bitch is the Mr. Mooch.
Miss. Perky
Miss. Perky is a special kind of annoying. Not only can her voice split your eardrums in half when she calls you asking if you want to go to Starbucks at 4:00 in the morning, but it can also reach levels of annoying so fucking insane that dogs are affected by her high-pitched rants. Miss. Perky is unable to sleep, always. Because she can't keep her eyes shut for more than five seconds, Miss Perky sees everything. This might seem like a perk, but it means that she has almost super-human abilities to sense when you're sneaking a glance at her rack. There is an upside though. Once the dumb bitch has had her eight Orange Mocha Frapachinos she will pass out for about two weeks. This is an opportune time for most men to cop a feel or for a nerd to practice rape. If you have a Miss. Perky friend, she will undoubtedly have thousands of ideas for what to do with that two inches of blank wall in your unfinished basement. She will also have colour swatches to show you her ideas for your living room, and little scented soaps shaped like flowers or vaginas for your bathroom. What the fuck would you do without her? Except maybe have a few thousand more hours of quiet. Miss. Perky can be spotted because of her outrageous choices of clothing. Apparently twelve trips to the cafe distorts your ability to realize that PINK DOESN'T FUCKING GO WITH GREEN AND IT NEVER FUCKING WILL! The opposite of the Miss. Perky is the Lazy Amigo.
Double Wide
Double wides are an evil race of women invented to torture men. Unfortunately, more and more women are becoming double wides because men are becoming dumber and dumber. These women use their evil powers to seem hot, but once the man has entered a committed relationship they immediately gain 200 pounds. They can do this with amazing speed because the double wide has a way of converting fat into intelligence, so as she gets fatter she gets dumber too. Then, these women ask stupid questions like "Does this make me look, fat?" No. Your body is what makes you look fat, but that table cloth you're wearing covers up your disgusting flab so you better wear it so people don't mistake you for a washed up whale. If you would like to learn more about this behavior watch the documentary Shallow Hal starring Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez. Nearly all women will become double wides at some point in their lives. Luckily for men, most women fear becoming double wides and will constantly diet. Which is a word meaning, "bitch about everything you're eating by saying I can't have any." Well, it doesn't matter because I wasn't gonna give you any in the first place. Shut up and eat your pussy salad, bitch. The opposite of the double wide is the jock.
