France
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
France is stupid.
France is the bastard second cousin of England, beneath said cess pit in most or all senses. The people like their wine red, their women hairy and their military humiliated.
Contents |
Culture
A contradiction in terms, no? The whole country seems to feel that the already-not-mentioned Revolution was, like, the greatest time ever, so therefore France always parties like it's 1789! Disease, retarded hats, ugliness and stripy-shirted beardies on bikes are all tragic problems in France, which have naturally been embraced by the populace among other facets of this place that would be (and very much are) despised by everyone else. They include:
War
You're kidding, oui? Let's be fair though, it's not their fault; they just aren't fighters. Or lovers. Or anything else. But that's not important, what is important is that the French have never beaten anybody except themselves, and even when they try REALLY hard they still end up getting their asses kicked in one form or another. Or they give up, which is what happens 95% of the time. In fact, over 80% of all French losses were against the fucking Germans. Some think it's because the Germans are better fighters, which they are, but then they realize that the French even lost to themselves. Sometimes they manage to scrape a draw, such as in the wars against Holland, Suriname, Lichtenstein and Ikea.
LOOK GUYZ I HAVE DUG UP A TIRED OLD MEME TO PROVE MY POINT THAT FRANCE IS BAD AT WARZ SHURELY I AM TEH GREATEST?!?!?
Art
Pertaining to be creative is very important in French culture, as being a poncy idiot is the only viable excuse for their blatantly homosexual tendencies. To make it big in the creative world, one must frown a lot, get angry at the slightest thing and burst into tears at random รก la any female Hollywood type. While it's true to say that a French representative has won the Nobel Prize for Literature 15 times, it's also mostly true to say that half of those either weren't French or wrote in a completely different language that wasn't completely stupid. The only French writer given any respect at all (Jean-Paul Sartre) rejected the prize because of his own disgust at his nationality. Regarding paintings and shit, the most famous example is a moody bitch breaking her face in a failed attempt at being happy. Granted it's better than most modern art, but still too bad to look at without murdering a native. It was once stolen, but because the thief was French he didn't have the brainpower to keep it hidden away it remains at the Louvre. A big glass triangle which has been asking terrorists to "Blow me the fuck up!" for 200 years! Jesus wept. Mainly because Frenchies were included in the 'save mankind' deal. No wonder he killed all those Jews.
People
The French are also almost as stupid as your mom. It's a well known fact that over 85% of all French men (and approximately 45% of French women) have slept with your mom, which proves that your mom is more stupid than a Frenchman because she was willing to tickle his cloves of garlic. You don't need statistics to prove how bad a joke that was. Anyone who goes to France will immediately notice one thing about the people: they smell. The fact is, the French stink. They pong even more than their cheese, a bold statement in itself. Bewilderingly, sometime before 1975 French women decided it was more alluring to not shave their underarms. No one knows why they thought this; perhaps it was considered 'chic', 'haute couture' or some other faux-hip statement of dipshittery. Anyhoo, the end result was that they started to reek. A lot. "And the French men put up with this?!" I hear you ask. Well, the sad answer is that French men are pussies who have always put up with it because they are too scared of their women to oppose them (admittedly, many French women are significantly more macho than the men). Sad, but true. On a completely unrelated note, they also like yams. Apparently it's 'trez bean' with a side of snails cooked in Chateau Brione.
Landmarks
There are 3.
The Eiffel Tower
The main attraction of this country is a 1000 foot pile of scrap shaped vaguely like France's national flower 'Le petit cock'. Located in the heart of gay Paris, it was the tallest building in the world until the almost as ugly-as-fuck Chrysler Building in New York was built (the sole purpose of which was to take the record away from the French). Approximately 2 million people commit suicide by jumping from the tower each day, mostly tourists too overwhelmed by the shame of going there in the first place.
Belgium
Home of horrible chocolate and camp martial arts fools, Belgium is the posh part of France. STD levels are only two-thirds of those in the rest of the country and you don't have to pay $40 for a dead amphibian. That's the mandatory allusion that French people eats frogs, you see.
Charles de Gaulle International Airport
Just like everything else it's ugly as sin, but it's the quickest escape route. Of course it does beg the question of why the hell you were there in the first place but, providing the bumbling moron can get the plane off the ground, you can run far far away. You'll need to sell your soul to Satan for a ticket. It's worth it.
Other Notable Stuff
Of course, we cannot appreciate the full spectrum of the French lifestyle without incorporating everything about the place that leads to the quaint juxtaposition of pointing and laughing. Other things of relatively little interest are:
Famous French People Throughout History
There are 5. These being:
- Joan of Arc - Sociopathic bitch who asked her husband to cook one meal too many (i.e. one) and was rightly burned at the stake for it.
- Napoleon Bonaparte - LOL perhaps he was killed by a bomb and so therefore we could call him NAPOLEON BLOWNAPART HAHAHAHA!!!!11oneone. We can't because he wasn't blown up, but he did die a horribly painful death after being beaten by the British and sent away for bringing shame upon France, a noteworthy achievement in itself. This we can laugh at.
- Rene Descartes - Typical mentally-backward fuckwit who wasn't aware of anything going on around him. Revered nationally as the greatest mind France has ever known. Known to everyone else as a moron.
- Roland Garros - Invented bananas for tennis players. The most boring tennis tournament in the world is named after him. Or her. Possibly both. Nobody gives a shit.
- Asterix - The world's shortest, queerest Viking is a national hero, despite the fact that France has never been cool enough for Vikings and he doesn't actually exist.
Public Health
Pretty good, considering. Pubic health is an entirely different matter though.
A Left Or Right Wing Nation
France regularly swings both ways in this and many other regards. The country itself is a horribly racist state run by communist unions who either strike or are on vacation. Now and then actual work is almost done in government, but some douchebag or other is 'Le tired' and everybody goes home to catch up on their unholy sexual practices with their neighbours.
