Finland
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Finland is stupid.
Finland is a country. If you did not know this, please head back to high school to get some remedial geography. Being a Nordic country, it is constantly frozen (Jesus can't be at his fucking coal pan to warm up the whole world, amirite?). Because of this, the population is scattered all to shit. 5.3 million sad fucks live in Finland. 95% of the population are chronically drunk and the other 6% are simply women.
Being a republic, the Soviet/Finland whatever features something only Italy has - a Mafia. The Finnish Mafia is made up of almost entirely overweight men, with striped suits driving T-Fords around town shooting ugly people with tommyguns (THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL, A mafioso without a tommygun is actually gay and homosex is frowned upon in Finland).
Contents |
History
Apparently, sometime before 1975 Jesus found out that his favorite nightclub Hell was full. Failing to bribe the bouncer, Jesus got so pissed off that he created Hell 2.0, also known as Koskenkorva. But since the club was just four concrete walls with a roof, he decided to put 187888 lakes in the club. This spawned much controversy since Hell is supposed to be warm. Heat causes water to evaporate, therefore something must be wrong.
With things wrong, he typed /reverse in the terminal, causing Hell 2.0 to turn into something resembling a very large refrigerator. This day was the official release of H20 (OMG FUNNEH, even though it has been leaked several times, see France)
In the 13th century, Jesus had a stroke and sold the club to Sweden. Of course, Sweden also got a stroke, although not on the penes but in the head, and sold it to Soviet Russia.
Timeline
Sometime before 1975
Pretty much nothing, except for some dudes running around in the woods playing Halo. These bastards ran down all the way to the Baltic batshit crazy lands to form the Vodka Alliance. No electricity, although the first modems were built here (which was pretty damn unnecessary, since there was no electricity nor computers, but they made good breadknives).
Bastard Shitbat Era
This was when totally awesome Sweden ruled teh Finlads. Having some sanity, they replaced the Finnish language with Swedish, granting better encryption over TCP/IP than HTTPS could ever offer. Sadly, this placed Lutheranism in front of science.
Two times during this era, Finland fucked with Soviet Russia, and got spooned both times. Introducing both vodka and the Russian language, total encryption was born. Nobody has ever been able to decrypt an Fin/SOV over V.O.D.K.A-encrypted message.
1950
They simply couldn't get enough of Soviet Russia'ism, liek 50% of the alcoholics/finlanders were farmers in the Cold War era. Something we cant forget is Kekkonen, Kekkonen, Kekkonen, Kekkonen, Kekkonen.
Finnish people except the other 5 millions
Linus Torvalds
Fat nerd who thought it was clever to both be born in the sinking hell of Helsinki and to invent a new operating system to impress chicks. Failed art class twice before getting his degree in sauerkraut.
Elias Lönnrot
Wrote a really long book called Kalevala which is a poem about vodka, harps and the economic situation in the Arab Emirates. The main figure of this stupid book is Diego Maradona, who possessed a magical power which allowed him to be both a crack head and an athlete. Nobody gives a shit, really.
Urho Kekkonen
KEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENKEKKONENDONTFUCKINGTOUCHTHESAW.
Sami
These are the people who either played Civilization IV way too much, or they might even be part of a rebel alliance and traitors. Refusing the simplicity of modern life, they do not only inhabit both Norway, Sweden and Morocco at the same time but also have laws implying that they are a land of their own.
Living in tents, these people are obviously retarded. Their hobbies includes driving reindeers, often 10,000 at a time over the steeps of Norrland, riding snowmobiles drunk and vandalizing Gustav Vasas' grave and honorable spirit. It has been discussed to reduce the population of reindeers using Panzerfausts and sauerkraut, although no official yes has been voted for. According to a well established theorem these people still live the Stone Age - i.e. in an era sometime before 1975 - because of excessive masturbation caused by consumption of local magic mushrooms.
