Film
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Films are stupid.
Also known as motion pictures, screenplays, movies or flicks, films are a device made to fuel Hollywood's money making industry. They're stupid because it takes a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of people and a lot of hard work to make a movie, just so that you can watch it with a girl (hoping to get laid), with your retarded friends to have a laugh, with your kids to make them shut the hell up for one hour and half or alone so that you can cry or masturbate.
Some idiots also like to watch movies only to tell others HOW AWESOME THEY ARE or submit themselves to the torture of bad movies just so they can complain about it on the internet and write shitty reviews on IMDB
Contents |
Overview
Films consist on displaying a series of pictures in a row so fast that our ape-like brains can't comprehend that it's just a slide show with sound effects. Very much like books, they tell a story, but instead of having to use your imagination, they'll present the stuff directly to you. The main difference however is that while explosions look great and neat on screen, they're rarely anything interesting on a book.
Structurally, movies resemble a theater play, except they tend to be much less boring and you can't directly insult the actor (and, no, doing so in the internet doesn't count).
Movie Genres
To ease the lives of those who arrange the shelves in rental stores, movies can be neatly pigeonholed into the genres below:
Action
Ripped macho man, small but nimble chinaman or Christopher Lambert faces off hordes of weak henchmen/soldiers/monsters with fists, blunt weapons or guns (rarely cutting weapons, too gory), eventually killing the really big bad guy. And then things go BOOM. Add tits for flavor. So far, it's the only movie genre to ever breed a governor of the USA.
Horror
An action movie but seen from the losing side. Usually involves sex-crazed teenagers running from some paranormal threat that kills them off one by one. It's also a very racist genre, as the latino is always the first one to die, then the black guy and only then whitey starts dying. However, when they do die, it's often very rewarding.
When the killer isn't paranormal, it's called a thriller.
Adventure
Fun for the whole family! Smart-ass children! Magic! Treasure! Talking animals! Sloth! Pedophiles! Over the years they've lost their ground to animations, though, because they're much purh-tier.
Drama
It's the modern version of the Greek tragedy and it's designed especially to make you cry, either from touching your emotional bone or through sheer, utter, boredom. Hasn't changed much from its origins, though, as it will almost always feature white/noble (rich) people struggling and being generally fucked in the ass. When it happens to minorities or in third world countries, then, you're not watching a drama, but rather a documentary.
Romance
Drama for sissies. Just replace the disgraceful tragedy with some stupid forbidden love story and get the Kleenex ready.
Comedy
Scary Movie! Super hero movie! Epic Movie! Teenage Movie! Jim Carrey makes FACES! Rob Schneider is a gigolo/a half-animal man. Adam Sandler is a devil/the heir of ridiculous amounts of money/a father/an angry dude/a guy with a remote controller for life/a retarded hick waterboy. But Mr. Bean is always Mr. Bean. Oh, Mr. Bean, you're so silly!
Musicals
No! Just no...
Sci-Fi
Includes at least two of the following: a talking computer/robot, weird alien races, post-apocalyptic earth scenario, lasers, teleporters, forcefiels, explosions in space WITH SOUND.
Fantasy
Resembles in many ways Sci-Fi, except it replaces the futuristic setting with medieval setting, technology with magic and adds some gay-looking elves.
Animation
Cartoons that take over 10 years to be made under slave labor, only to anticlimatically flunk upon their release. Then, they get revived by stoner college kids and become classics. Or at least that's how it worked in the past. Sometimes pussy and tits were also hidden in these movies, probably as a cry for help from the lonely animators.
Nowadays, all animation (anime doesn't count) is made with CUM-POOH-TARS, so they can be released a dozen a year to better milk the cash cow. Being targetted at the young audience, they'll feature cute talking animals, robots or anything like that to attract them and sell all sorts of shitty merchandise afterwards. They'll also have some sexual/political jokes aimed at the parents who are forced to watch these movies with their kids.
Documentaries
ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ.................
The So-Called Erotic Movies
Hummm... fifteen minutes of boring dialogue... bullshit excuse for pairing up the protagonist and the hot chick... oooh, yeah! Now it's gonna happen! She's taking off the top 
, oh, yeah, boobs! Some Kenny G rip off music playing... and now they're fucking, oh, yeah. 
. Stupid camera, show me the pussy! Oh, no! It's over already... more fifteen minutes of boring dialogue. Oh, yeah, sex again! Boobs! Oooh... there isn't gonna be any penetration at all here, will it? Oh... fuck, it's the guy's butt. Boobs again, now... and the sex is over already again. Screw this, I'm gonna get myself something with midgets on it...
Porno
Another brand of better-get-the-Kleenex movies 
BLACK ON BLONDE! MOVIE SPOOFS! HUGE BUTTS! MASSIVE NATURAL TITS! ALL BLACK BOOTY! BLACK GUYS HAVE HUGE DONGS! BDSM! FROM THE ASS TO THE MOUTH! SHEMALES! BUKAKKE! MIDGETS! DOGS! HORSES! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MAKE IT STOP!
Artsy Fartsy
Usually independent productions, they defy the linearity and repetition of Hollywood plots and story telling to do more experimental stuff. This translates into disturbing imagery, nonsense plots, weird camera angles, "open endings", awkward nudity, use of black and white long past the 60s. While this is a noble task, EXPERIMENTATION DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NECESSARILY GOOD! Artsy movies tend to become the so-called 'cult classics'and this means they get a lot of retards raging over how good they are and then it turns out to be shit. Actually, it's only shit when I watch, when you watch it, you're just too stupid to understand the subtle satire and symbolism in it.
