Evolution
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Evolution is stupid.
Sometime before 1975, an Aussie dude by the name of Charles Darwin decided (while he was in the bathroom smoking crack) that there must be a reason why humans look a bit like monkeys. After thinking it through on the island of Fiji (the ganja there is wicked), he came up with a theory, calling it natural selection. According to this theory, give mother nature any lump of living cells, and an unlimited span of time, and she will develop those cells into Pauly Shore.
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Theoretical Background
Darwin based his theory, in part, on some archaeological discoveries that took place in 1984. In those discoveries, a skull was found of a dude that looked, in technical terms, "really really weird." The archaeologists believed the skull looked more like a monkey than a human. They also decided to give him a fancy name, Homo erectus (Latin for "homosexual with a boner") Noisy protests erupted over evolution violently as religious people everywhere took exception to the idea that their one true God was not directly responsible for the creation of humans.
Concepts & Hypotheses
The Darwinian evolutionary theory is based on several unprovable hypotheses. The following paragraphs describe some of these concepts.
Mutation
Mutation happens when some cells go crazy, and start throwing out their boyfriend's shit and breaking stuff and calling up the day after in tears begging him to come back oh god I didn't mean it. In modern, developed creatures, mutations happen because of pollution, global warming, or "lasers." Although evolutionists point to mutation as one of natural selection's key mechanisms, practical experience suggests the opposite may be true. See also: Emo, Goth.
Natural Selection as a creative force
The concept of Natural Selection as a creative force assumes that if your mom breeds five kids, nature will kill the stupid ones, and only the smart, strong, and cute ones will survive. Politicians, however, belie this fallacy every day. Everybody knows that only stupid and/or poor people breed. Smart people are too busy building wealth which they eventually hope will come in handy in putting the smackdown on the hordes of breeders when the revolution comes.
Why Evolution Sucks
One problem with evolution is that dolphins do not build hospitals. If evolution is so smart, then how come there are no dolphin hospitals Mr. Smarty Scientist? Do you see any dolphins writing software? I don't see any dolphin congressmen, do you? That's right. Fuck dolphins.
Despite evolution's obvious shortcomings, there is one aspect of it that is self-evidently true. The human race appears to be embarking on a disastrous evolutionary path which is turning many otherwise ordinary, normal people into hideous, antisocial faggots who live in a certain habitat known as the Internet. These horrifying creatures are considerably less developed than their human predecessors, and they are believed to be the first step towards the extinction of mankind.
