Evangelical

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Evangelicals are stupid

Sometime before 1975, some mildly retarded people like President Bush thought that the Bible was too subtle and complicated and other forms of Christianity weren't retarded enough, so they made up Evangelicalism to give the Mormons, Scientologists, and Special Olympians a run for their money. Evangelicalism is like other forms of Christianity except less sane. The main idea is that one day in The Future good people (see Crazy Evangelicals below) will disappear and then reappear in heaven, while other people like you and me have to walk to hell.

Sinners

If you are a sinner (drink or think bad thoughts or have sex outside of matrimony or dress any way but like an Amish person, live outside of The South, vote Democrat or have a PC instead of an Apple) then you will go to hell. First though, this guy called the Supreme Autarch will come from Hell (or Minneapolis) to enslave all of the people who are going to hell anyway for some reason.

Crazy Evangelical

If you are a crazy evangelical person you will go to heaven, because living in a Red State means that you are a better person and knowledge corrupts and people in the Blue States are all homosexuals. Being Evangelical requires that you constantly go around asking people if they are Christian and explaining that this is the 'end of days'. Being Evangelical also requires that you go to church 4 times a week and that your church not play music, because music is the work of the devil and you will go to hell. Also, you may not do anything at all that is not specifically mentioned in the Bible, and church music isn't in the bible.

Apocalypse

Before the world ends and all the mildly retarded people are beamed into a flying saucer or space or heaven, Jesus H. Christ will come to earth and kill the sinner people so they can begin their walk to hell afterwards. Jesus will then wrestle the Autarch guy for the WWF title, and after he wins he will go get shitfaced and then molest an altar boy.