Easter

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

A child enjoys a visit from the Easter Bunny.

Easter is stupid.

Easter is a pagan fertility ceremony designed to teach children the basics of reproduction with the least possible trauma. To this end, Easter "eggs" are hidden to be "found" (representing insemination) and rabbits, known for their reproductive prowess are represented by the Easter Bunny, a sexless highly anthropomorphized creature which resembles a furry anime character. This particular aspect of the celebration is to prepare children to understand sexual deviancy.

Origin

He is with you always. Even when you masturbate. Do you really want to masturbate in front of Jesus?

Pagans Like to Fuck

It's well known that pagans generally used religion as an excuse to get naked and start buggering each other while dancing around trees and shit, but the practice was not codified into the Easter celebration until sometime before 1975. It was at this time that the practice of ritual orgies was given a recurrent date, the first Sunday after the first full moon of Spring.

Christianity Takes the Piss Out Again

Christians, being the stoic party poopers that they are, put the smackdown on all the naked tree-fucking in the name of God - whom they asserted was most certainly not pleased with all the buggery, thank you very much - let's all have some Marshmallow Peeps and talk about Jesus, there are children present! Pagans, duly shamed, no longer participated in the sex orgies, but they set about (with the Church's blessing) creating all of the festivities associated with Christian observance of Easter as the thinly veiled symbols of their old fertility rites that they are.

Modern Observance

This is how Easter eggs are created.

Use of Metaphor

Easter enjoys a rich collection of metaphorical references. An allegory at its core, the use of whimsy and color go a long way to illustrate the rich tradition of Christianity.

• People dressed in bunny suits symbolize the original band of weirdos who stole Jesus' body.

• Rabbits giving birth to chicken eggs is actually a metaphor for inter-species intercourse. This is also why the baby Jeebus is born in a manger.

• Chicken eggs being hard boiled is to demonstrate the Christian love of abortion.

• Chocolate candy fits easily in the sacrament model: bread symbolizes the body, wine symbolizes the blood and chocolate symbolizes the poop.

• Hiding candy and aborted eggs in unexpected places serves as a metaphor for anal sex. This is actually the technical reason why the Virgin Mary was able to maintain her title well into her early 70s.

• Easter baskets symbolize the Virgin's womb slowly filling as items are found in "unexpected places."

• Easter trees serve as a metaphor for the incredibly lazy. It's well past time to chop that up and burn some books with it.

No Fun

Easter is considered to be the lamest holiday on the calendar, mainly because Christians took all the fun out of it. These days Easter celebrants are mostly fatties who use the day as an excuse to gorge themselves on chocolate and look like beacons of piety instead of useless slabs of lard. Also breeders enjoy the holiday immensely, as no opportunity to parade around with their hellish spawn is ever passed up. You see, they made children which means they are having sex.

Sacraments

Modern observance of Easter includes a diverse number of sacraments all of which help celebrants to love Jesus and not think about dirty, sweaty, pagan sex orgies:

• The aforementioned Marshmallow Peeps
• Chocolate Rabbits (ritually eaten headfirst)
• Cadbury Chocolate Eggs
• Chocolate Crucifixes
• Jordan Almonds
• Malted Milk Eggs
• Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs