Dildo
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Dildos are stupid.
And fun. Where sex and invention went hand in hand, (and sometimes ass in ass), there arose the dildo, and never has society been more satisfied and most importantly, relatively baby-free. Now, only white trash and black people breed. Invented sometime before 1975 by chinese emperor Chow Dong Fat, the dildo gave rise to a whole new genre of foreplay. As man usually does, if something displeases him or makes life otherwise more difficult, he invents something to take its place or make better than what was originally unfit in his eyes.
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Chinese dicks please no chicks
The emperor Chow Dong Fat came up with the idea for the dildo while trying his best to pound his harem to smithereens with his pathetic pinky-style phallus. Being ignored by his harem in favor of the many 'well-hung' male cats that roamed around the palace gardens, his penis finally grew tired of being ignored, and thus came the idea of the replacement phallus. Our friend, the dildo. Chow Dong Fat used a crude strap-on clamp-on version of this toy so that not only would he please his harem, but he would also derive pleasure from pleasing as well. 
Shedding the splinters
The first dildo was originally made of a stem from a reedy, river bamboo grass. The chinese, being unaware that a dick could grow larger than a millimeter in diameter, waited many years to re-evaluate their design until Chow Dong Fat's daughter, Chow Dong Woo Hu, became a radical nut and invented a ridiculously thick and long wooden schlong a total of three feet in length and diameter, out of a much bigger, however rougher species of bamboo. Embarrassed and stupefied that his daughter would come up with such an instrument of penile power, he sentenced her to death. Moments before being hung (lol pun) the english invaded and she was let escape.
Later, Chow Dong Woo Hu, was awarded a metal of honor for inventing the very weapon/toy that sent the english to their deaths.
The Rocket Dong
After escaping from the gallows, Chow Dong Woo Hu fled for the hills of Yur Hur Dur, where with a box of her patented 'huge' dildos, she invented the first fireworks. Filling them with the black gun powders she and her small band of lesbian lovers dug out of the mountains, they then headed back to her nations, armed to the twats with what would be the englishmen's last pleasures.
Surprise!
Chow Dong Woo Hu, like her father, was an excellent negotiator. As her and her band climbed over the final hill towards her nation she told all of her women to take one brightly colored red and gold dildo in hand and pass them out to the english men as gifts of treaty. The englishmen, being both easily led by their urgent desire to take huge red cock up the ass and impressed by the beautiful dykes and their craftsmanship, they fell for it and hard. After the english sufficiently had one giant rocket-dong in their rectums each, the women struck their matches against the stone guard walls of their homeland and gave them all a proper violent colon-blowing. The song "Come on Baby Light My Fire", was written with this legendary triumph over adversity in mind.
The splinters were still a problem
Sadly, a month later Chow Dong Woo Hu succumbed to a raging staph infection that resulted from too many bamboo splinters becoming infected while lodged inside her cervix. The dildo's popularity despite this outcome did not wane however, and as it spread to neighboring countries it gained new shape and different materials were incorporated. Once it reached Mongolia, those tough-as-nails mongolians began to fashion dildos out of stone. It only allowed them to build up massive muscles as dilling each others cornholes became their national pastime, and the stone was more than equivalent to lifting heavy weights all day long. It was in mongolia that the rectal prolapse became a frightening reality as well, and despite the enormous muscles they were building they still lost the revolution between themselves and the chinese, their asses simply fell out into their britches when they lifted their swords to strike down their foes with a mighty blow. Today, Mongolians who still believe in the methods of dilling by stone can prime their "log homes" with trusty Timber Chink, as not to develop what looks to be an elephant trunk sticking from their posteriors.
Stones Weren't So Great
As the dildo reached popularity in the countries of upper asia, those gigantic Russians fashioned a formidable dildo out of the ices mined out of Siberia. It would have gained popularity elsewhere if the entire world was fucking cold, hairy, crazy and loaded up with delicious potato wine, luckily it was not. Only the russians (and duped, dumb, assnugget neighboring countries like Bulgaria) have to live with the shame of inventing and using the ice dildo on themselves.
Oddly Enough
The chinese weren't the only country to be inventive and think up such an object during that time period. The once country of Hawaii has also been noted to have invented dildo-esque objects out of hollowed-out pineapples in the regions of HLUAGHLUAGH. It wasn't very popular as one can imagine, what with the abrasion wounds that resulted. You might as well wash out your crevices with steel wool and rubbing alcohol.
Actually, the Indians...
The indians, of India and not those Columbus-dupers from America, were actually the first race to come up with a dildo that was practical and not damaging to the many orificies of the body these sick fucks of the world liked to use them on. Many historians are puzzled and ponder endlessly as to why it wasn't the indians that originally came up with the idea for the dildo, since they consider farm animals holy and can't participate in good ol' fashioned horsefucking like the rest of the world, and the fact that they have a city named bangladesh (translated english: Have sex with your dishes) would seem enough of a hint that indians would be the most sexual predators the world had ever seen--but they weren't. They even had the most practical substance a primordial replacement cock would be made of--rubber. Of course! Why hadn't anybody else thought of it sooner? Extract of rubber plant could be made into a substance that felt like human flesh, and it could be brewed into a substance that was hard enough to stand on its own; the indians had struck a gold mine. Fortunately, the english at the time were too wiped out from the Black Plague they contracted from using the lead piping of their rat-infested housing on themselves as dildos, so the idea of the rubber cock was left entirely in the hands of india, until the turn of the nineteenth century when the english gained back their strength, and cleaned the smegma from their dirty, uncut genitals.
The English invaded india and took it over for only a short time, until Mohandas "Mahatma" Gandhi was sent to earth by the Hindu Jebus and his six jimmies to purge them from the motherland, using his acclaimed passive resistance method. It involved allowing the english to rape all indians who didn't comply with imposed english law right in their bungs, without fighting back, until the english gained respect for the indians and their iron-strong wills to tolerate all the ass themed violence against them.
Introduction of Mechanics
In 1984 Indira Gandhi, a peace advocate and regular dildo user, came up with the vibrator by combining the same mechanics used in the building of the famous robot Johnny Five, with the rubber dildo used by her foremothers and fathers. The world has never been more sexed up and full of lesbians since. The incorporation of Johnny Five technology into dildos only further advocates gay pride since the robot had a popular 1980's pride advocacy chip installed into his motherboard.
The future of it all?
In the near future, the world will be introduced to the 'smart dildo', in the process of being developed by Stephen Hawking and Insert Popular Name Here, that will do pretty much all the work for you. Since Hawkings unfortunate shower accident, he has been without the ability to sexor even the tiniest thing, making him one awful awful grinch. Starting in 2009, the entire world, and yes, even Hawking, will convert to the smart dildo, which projects the images of your wildest fantasies in HD right into your occipital lobe, making life at once and for all, something worth living.--Kil 11:05, 15 November 2007 (PST)
Categories: People | Gay | Science
