Death Metal
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Death Metal is stupid.
Death Metal is a style of metal music designed to obtain maximum results from metal's ability to piss off neighbors. It's especially effective against oversensitive Christians, sissies, old people, hippies and parents. Death metal fans are usually repressed nerds, asshat sociopaths, fatties and disgruntled hairy men in their 20s with poor social skills. Usually all of the above.
Lyrical themes normally deal with themes such as necrophilia, cannibalism, rape, torture, serial killer(s), zombies, skeletons and other fantasy themes. One of death metal classics Cannibal Corpse use titles such as "Meat Hook Sodomy," "Hammer Smashed Face," "Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt," "Fucked with a Knife," and lyrics such as:
Murder, hatred
Anger, Savage
Killings I have caused
more than can be counted
orgies of sadism
And sexual perversion
Virgin
Tied to my mattress
Legs spread wide
Ruptured bowel, yanked
From her insides
Devirginized with my knife
Internally bleeding
Vagina, secreting
her blood-wet pussy
I am eating
on her guts I am feeding
Mutilated with a machete
I fucked her dead body
The first and last
Your life's only romance
My knife's jammed in your ass
As you die you orgasm
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Origin
Death Metal originated in 1984, in Florida, USA, when some long-haired, metal-loving dudes were living next door to a bunch of retired grannies and gramps - because that's pretty much all there is in Florida. Pissed off with the smell of old people and their urinary incontinence, the guys came up with a plan that involved scaring the shit out of them with loud music. Unfortunately old people always have hearing problems, so regular metal just wasn't cutting it anymore. They saw they needed to take it one step further and make metal even noisier.
When they were done composing, they realized they still needed a name for the band and thought: "What in the world is the most scary thing for old folks?"
After trying to call their band names like Asylum, Loneliness, Erectile Dysfunction and Osteoporosis, they eventually came upon the name Death. The rest is history. (Note: all of the previous names are actually possible Death Metal band names nowadays, hooray!)
Characteristics
Death metal bands usually present a grotesque image through their names, song titles and their album covers. The ingredients for a successful death metal band are:
- Vocals resembling that of the Cookie Monster, sometimes in a duet with Donald Duck.
- Highly distorted guitars and bass played as fast as humanly possible.
- Blastbeats and abuse of the double bass drum
- Lyrics either describing a rare disease, some type of mutilation, some weird fetish, Satan or just plain nonsense (I mean, what the fuck? Bukkake Tsunami??).
- Have a really edgy name like Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death, Behemoth or Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis (I'm not making this up).
- An album cover resembling the goatse guy.
Differences Between Black And Death Metal
There are many differences between Black Metal and death metal. One is high-pitched, the other is low-pitched.
Also... erm... uh...
Well, I think that's it. Actually.
Yeah... Hm... That's it.
Metal fans will probably tell you something about them being completely different subgenres, having different origins and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. But even they get confused and can't tell the difference.
Subgenres Of This Subgenre
Since metal fans like putting as many labels as possible on bands in an attempt to sound smart when discussing music, they've come up many names for the style of death metal bands, even though most of the them sound exactly alike.
- Brutal Death Metal: faster and noisier death metal. Yes, it's possible.
- Technical Death Metal: death metal that is difficult to play, making their guitar-playing fans often cream their pants while listening to it.
- Melodic Death Metal: death metal made by Swedish sissies
- Doom/death Metal: death metal with slow parts... or is it doom metal with fast parts??
- Grindcore, Goregrind or Deathgrind: punky death metal. The only difference is that their songs rarely last more than one minute.
- Black/Death Metal: doesn't mean anything really. Didn't you read the previous part of the article, goddammit?
