Darryl Strawberry
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Darryl Strawberry is stupid.
Darryl Strawberry is also the essence of strawberries.
Contents |
The Early Years
Borne sometime before 1975 of an unholy and unexpected union between man and goddess, Darryl Strawberry came into this world looking like a normal human baby. His mother, Ma Straw, goddess of strawberries, abandoned him to a life amongst mortals on Earth. There, Darryl lived with his father, Paw Strawberry. They scraped together a humble existence amongst the residents of a south Florida fishing community. Darryl was able to swing a bat before he learned how to walk erect. From there it was only a natural progression into delinquency as a youth. Strawberry's first of many encounters with the Man would be after breaking $500,000 worth of china in a local curio shop with nothing but a wiffle bat. He was only 3 years old at the time.
Paw Strawberry saw talent in his young and spunky son and immediately signed Darryl up for baseball lessons. Darryl has played at least a full nine innings of baseballs every day since the day he was first old enough to hit something and run away. As a hobby during his tumultuous childhood he would routinely break things and run away, occasionally stopping to grab jewellery and television sets.
In high school, he caught the lustful eye of a major league talent scout. Strawberry's performance on the field was already phenomenal at the age of 14. He also had a net worth of over $6 million thanks to his various wheelings and dealings, and an impeccably crafty mind for business. Darryl made the mistake of trying the dope he peddled, and while it made him unstoppable on the diamond, he was soon trying to keep up in school. He dropped out in 10th grade.
It was around this idle period that he discovered his latent ability to create strawberries, life, out of thin air with the sheer force of his will. The life inside him, the strawberry core, the heart of the strawberry, is able to breathe life into strawberries, and in turn the strawberries heal Darryl Strawberry.
Darryl Strawberry became God at age 15.
Post-Self-Actualization
Strawberry AIDS fields
It is a little-known fact that Darryl Strawberry was the first known carrier of the AIDS virus and he in fact still carries it to this day. A paradox arose when Strawberry realized he himself was similar to the AIDS virus in that he could potentially propagate himself anywhere he wanted, make strawberries grow from any surface. All the strawberries carry in them a little of Darryl Strawberry, and they in turn can take over entire planets; entire galaxies can potentially be made once enough strawberries are planted. Strawberries that come from Darryl Strawberry.
The AIDS virus can be traced back to Darryl Strawberry as it is scientifically proven to have originated from the mass of leather that is his baseball glove. Over the years, prolonged use has caused Strawberry's sweat and strawberry juice to soak into the glove. If one were to handle Strawberry's genetic material, it would be lethal to the touch. An AIDS particle can infect a virgin human vessel in nanoseconds. Every attempt to clone Darryl Strawberry so far has ended in catastrophic failure.
Strawberry admitted that he was infected with malicious fluid discharged by the Dildo in Time, wielded by one who managed to become unstuck in time. Strawberry managed to destroy the AIDS carrier by pumping strawberry juice into the spongy confines and porous material of the man's brain. Alas, it was too late. The AIDS virus had travelled from the alternate dimension inside the Dildo, to wreak havoc on the denizens of Earth.
Strawberry re-enacted some of these events in pop-art maven Waxwane Clearey's 1988 porn opus Darryl Strawberry in Dildo Through Time. This film is Strawberry's sole screen credit in addition to containing the longest manual self-exploration scene on film. A full 78 of the film's 91 minutes are devoted to Darryl Strawberry watering his strawberry patches with extracted strawberry juice. It is the only recorded evidence of Darryl Strawberry's powers on record, which has caused it to be seized by governments around the world.
Planet Strawberry
Wherein Strawberry becomes a baseball star.
Darryl Strawberry grew up on Planet Strawberry for most of his teenage life, able to sustain himself by eating nothing but delicious strawberries day and night. Gradually he gained enough confidence to hold his breath long enough for a space walk, and found it quite easy.
At 18 he joined the Mets.
Strawberry became known around Los Angeles for his acid-soaked strawberries, soaked in nothing but the finest mix of strawberry juice and succulent LSD for smacking pleasure. Strawberry parties became the stuff of legend.
Sexy Sex
It is estimated that Darryl Strawberry had sex with approximately 5,000 women during his first year on the Mets. Fully 2,000 of these hook-ups resulted in illegitimate children throughout the greater Las Vegas area.
But that's not all he was doing. On Planet Strawberry he was able to raise enough strawberries from the ground to create a sizeable army of strawberry minions willing and able to carry out whatever whim he wished into existence.
Strawberry can then fertilize the seed inside him and propagate across entire planets, if he were so inclined to do so. Carpeting the land with strawberry seeds, which can quickly grow into massive and sentient strawberries. Strawberry is both asexual and immortal.
No one knows how many children Darryl Strawberry has, except Darryl Strawberry.
Darryl Strawberry, Our Saviour
Satellite photographs confirm the existence of at least two known Strawberry Silos somewhere north of Scotland. Strawberry has gone on record to confirm that if anything should happen to the citizens of Scotland, they are permitted to hide inside the Silos, able to survive for years on nothing but fresh succulent strawberries made personally by Strawberry.
The Silos are vaguely strawberry-shaped and used to belong to the Soviets.
Maturation and decline
Unfortunately, Strawberry's strawberries could not sustain themselves, as Strawberry would provide them with life-giving strawberry juices through channels within the strawberry fields of his mind.
FUKKK AMERIKKKA
Upon his release from prison, Strawberry wrote "FUKKK AMERIKKKA" on the side of the main building with strawberry-based paint. In a public press conference, Strawberry admitted to the vandalism and defected to the United Kingdom. In a display of gratitude, he gave Queen Elizabeth a personal strawberry garden and his own strawberry food made with his own strawberry juice in addition to several thousand concentrated strawberries. It has been said that Queen Elizabeth also enjoys acid strawberries.
Darryl Strawberry was knighted afterwards to become Sir Darryl Strawberry, the Earl of Strawberry-Upon-Westinghamshire. His generous fief of land, rumoured to be somewhere in Wales, is home to his fields of endless and perfect strawberries. These strawberries cannot be found in any supermarket. Legend has it that some of these strawberries can be acquired on the black market at upwards of $500 per strawberry. Inside 40-story Strawberry Tower, Darryl Strawberry lives comfortably in his inner sanctum in a womb made of juicy strawberry-flesh. Inside the womb it is a cosy 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
Despite having changed his citizenship to that of another country, he continues to play for the Mets, disappearing in his Strawberry light-weight aircraft after every game. Darryl Strawberry is also the only human citizen on Planet Strawberry, and is believed to have established contact with aliens from another solar system. These aliens are highly evolved pineapples, near twins to the strawberry.
Strawberry's Global Impact
In a history-making decision, NATO granted Darryl Strawberry permission to seed the entirety of Antarctica to turn into a strawberry field. This is the biggest strawberry field on record by a good 200,000 square miles. Strawberry said it was "hard" to fertilize so many strawberries and keep up with his busy baseball schedule.
We can only speculate as to the source of his performance on the baseball field. The most popular theory floating around is that Strawberry is able to drink highly concentrated amounts of strawberries thanks to holding the largest privately owned strawberry plantation on earth. That and the strictest training ritual known to humankind have led to his memorable baseball career.
Strawberries In Antarctica
Scientists fear for the future of the southernmost polar icecap in the hands of Darryl Strawberry. Can a massive garden of strawberries potentially leech out all the frozen, untapped potential beneath? Said Strawberry to such claims, "Nay."
If waters rise to biblical, apocalyptic flood levels in the coming few decades, it would not be too unreasonable to blame the destruction on Darryl Strawberry.
Continuing Problems and Shit
Strawberry's whereabouts as of Darryl Strawberry day, 2006, are unknown.
Categories: History | Crime | Sport | Food | Religion | Honorable Mention
