Creation
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Creation is stupid.
Creation is the religious belief that everything was created by an all-powerful God. The basic idea was made up in ancient times, but nobody knows who had the idea first, mainly because everyone was too busy hunting down their next meal to worry about fairy stories. Because the idea is an ancient one, some truly stupid stories explaining it have been made up.
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Christians
Christians believe that their God created everything in a week, with light coming first and the first man (known as Adam) coming last. Obviously, humanity is pretty low on the Christian God's priority list. After creating man, he then decided Adam needed a companion, not out of any need to reproduce or anything, but rather because he was lonely. Naturally, he created a woman using Adam's rib (???), calling her Eve. Now, God wasn't concerned with the humans reproducing, and they didn't even have sex yet, so you would think God would have had the presence of mind to create a drinking buddy for Adam, maybe calling him Steve. But no, God, in His infinite wisdom, created a woman. Women are all bitches. You can see the problem, here. Sure enough, Eve got them kicked out of Eden. She listened to a snake she thought was talking (???), and took a bite out of an apple that God had forbidden them to touch. Scholars have found millennia old papers documenting her trial wherein she defends herself by claiming to be high (the actual quote was "well you didn't say we couldn't smoke up, did you?"). Alas, the moment she offered the apple to Adam it was all over. When God, like an angry dad coming home from work, realised that they had disobeyed one of his direct orders, He had them court marshalled and finally discharged from Eden down to Earth where they and their children would forever have to be punished for the sins that the first two people committed. Later on, God felt guilty, and sent his son, some bloke called Jesus, to sacrifice his life to cover the sins of all humanity.
Jews
LOL Jews. They say they believe the same as Christians, except for the bit about Jesus. We know this is a lie. Jews believe Jews created everything and therefore should be allowed to keep everything. Also, they eat babies.
Muslims
Basically the same as Christians. With more explosions. And a Holy War. Or two. Written in a book that isn’t the Bible.
Hindus
These folks believe that some guy breathing out creates universes (surely that’s a multiverse, but who are we to challenge the East?). Anyway, when he breathes in again, some of them are destroyed. And then he breathes out. If you were stupid enough to be on a universe that he breathed in, everything that you did in your life will reflect what you will become in the next universe that he breathes out. You could become an ant, a God or anything in between. Now, you might be inclined to think that talking snakes and magic trees are pretty wacky, but you gotta admit, the Hindus have the Judeo-Christians beat by a mile with this goofy shit. This is just pure bollocks.
Buddhists
They aren’t concerned about the past. They don’t care where they came from. This means that they will repeat history over and over again. Probably the bits about genocide considering they are pacifists. Pacifism, of course, is just a good excuse to ensure the authorities don’t suspect that it was you that made Hitler kill the Jews.
Scientists
The most boring answer to creation comes from our friends in the scientific community. There was this Big Bang thing that created all matter, time and stuff... essentially from nothing. The "nothing" bit cannot be explained by scientists, so they conveniently ignore it and allow philosophers to obsess over it. Anyhow, over a very, very, very long time, stars and stuff formed. After that came the planets and moons. Then by chance, stuff evolved on this one special little planet called Earth. And then more stuff evolved. In the end, only humans are left. In the future they believe that everything will probably collapse back in on itself. Before that time comes, however, many hope for the Singularity to occur. BORING!
Creationist Scientists
An indecisive bunch of faggots. Basically the same belief as the scientists except that everything that happened was because of some “Higher Presence” or “Greater Mind”. This version is just a copout because they can’t explain some things with their other theory. Sounds like something a scientologist would come up with.
Other Creation Stories
Aren’t important and should be ignored in favour of having sex.
