Cradle of Filth
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Cradle of Filth is stupid.
Cradle of Filth is a popular symphonic gothic band consisting primarily of screaming midget pussies, some with or without genital dreadlocks. The main drive of this band consists of one screaming male-vagina named Dani Filth, who is pissed off that he has both a menstrual cycle and a very small, barely noticeable, cat penis. They attract many a fiendish, wannabe vampire in hopes of finally unloading all of their bleeding vaginal rage, unleashing it upon the world, which is so sadly devoid of ear tampons. There is word that a one Stephen Hawking, who is also from the UK, is in the process of inventing a mighty ear-tampon in which the world can use to block out the hormonally-induced, medieval rantings of Cradle, but nobody is sure this will ever happen due to Hawking's unfortunate shower accident.
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Beginnings without forseeable endings
The band congregated in 1984, when the UK was still ruled by feudalism. After thoroughly ass fucking the queen of britain and thus liberating all micks and their horrible teeth from the iron grip of her majesties very sharp pussy lips, the band was granted the liberty of doing whatever they wanted with no consequences, which is probably why they are popular in the first place. They hold a following similar to Insane Clown Posse. While ICP had Juggalos, Cradle of Filth has a spin-off cult called Fuggalos--which basically translate into "fucking ugly gothic vampire pussies who love the sound of a midget passing a kidney stone". They moved onto the US, making every logical man, woman, and child wish they were both deaf and retarded. There was a cult devoted to the mass puncturing of eardrums back in the 90's in an effort to rid a select few 'chosen ones' from the bands rantings. Sadly they prevail, despite the fact that the whole world wishing they would collectively dine upon fecal matter and expire.
No concept of time
Cradle of Filth believes that they live sometime before 1975, when the world was ruled by naked white people who thought that trees and animals could talk to them. Like said brainless morons, also known as pagans, Cradle generally strips down naked while on stage and devotes no more than 99 percent of their show to licking and/or humping elm trees, and sticking their underdeveloped cat-phalluses into the pipes of their very over-used church organs. Its also a terrifying fact that Rosie Smith, while stroking her elephant trunk nipples, invites amputees on stage to stump fuck her while she wails underneath the scream of an electric guitar. In reality she knows that being an ugly british woman this is her only way to get laid. She has been to the emergency room five times with the residual leg or arm of random amputees stuck in her vagina, the only known way for these unfortunate people to get out of her steel pussy-clamp is to commit suicide.
The Big Time, Ozzfest baby
Ozzy Osbourne has been rumored to have invited Cradle of Filth to play at his annual ozzfest in recent years, in order to cover up the fact that he too is a british pussy who enjoys the taste of period blood, ozzy covered his own ass by saying that he was trying to humiliate the band by supplying them with no elm trees, no amputees and absolutely no church organs. Unfortunately America's very uncreative vampires did not care that Cradle didn't have their vices, and banged their fuggalo heads regardless. Ozzy became angry that his attempts were futile against the band, just like the attempts of the hicks of Arkansas were to humiliate Paris Hilton while she stayed in their state. Osbourne, a known senior citizen, broke his hip while yelling at them after their all too successful show during his festival, and was put into poverty by the doctors bills. He began to suck Dani's cat-dick to earn money, and has had to feature Cradle of Filth in Ozzfest ever since as punishment. Further punishment comes from his faggot son, who has professed his love for Dave Pybus and his dripping purple armpit hair.
The greatest band that ever lived
Cradles ego-centric tendencies are baffling as they claim to be the "real gothic band" and that all others are fakes. The real truth is clear however, that all gothic bands including Cradle of Filth are fake and unrealistic in their standing and will eventually be plunged into the proverbial lake of fire while stroking their upside down crosses, only after all of humanity evolves into deaf creatures who survive by using a complex caste system while living underground, and learns how to completely ignore the asshat sociopaths that claim themselves to be the superior genre. They will capture the culprit band, bore a tunnel completely through the earth's crust, and melt them down with magma. The remnant elements leftover from the melted band will then be used to make some very entertaining bart dolls. --Kil 14:44, 19 May 2007 (PDT)
