Corn Flakes
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Corn Flakes are stupid.
Corn Flakes are a highly potent stimulant invented sometime before 1975 by notorious drug baron Dr. Kellogg, with the help of his assistants Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula (who had the first ever 'Flakey' - more on this later) to corrupt the innocence of breakfast. Although you may think this is the work of the common Jew, you can actually count this as a small victory for the Christians, or more precisely the Seventh-day Adventists. Because no-one knows who they are or whether they actually like God or not, this small cult tried to stir up a wave of fear by insisting that the 'Cock of Corn' would arrive imminently and peck to death everyone who only ate toast for brekkies. After several no-shows and numerous calls to the Cock's agent, a date was finally set in 1984 for the end of the most important meal of the day as we know it. Sadly for the 'ventists, the Cock did not appear. Soon afterwards this became known as the Great 'Fuck, what the shit do we do now?'. Fortunately they did not have to think about that too much, as the call of 'What's for breakfast?' was met with golden flakes washed down with cow piss. Of course this is all highly illogical, but slightly amusing to those with poor dental hygiene as a colloquial expression for penis has been mentioned several times in the first paragraph.
Contents |
A Day in the Life of a CF User (we'll "pretend" that it's you)
From the moment the packet is opened right up to the point where you are arrested, a Corn Flake bender can take you on a seriously trippy ride.
The First Taste of the Golden Flake
As soon as you shovel some into your mouth, you realise something is wrong. There is no taste, they have the texture of gravel and you're pretty sure you lost some teeth. You wash it all down and try to forget, but you eat more. You can't explain it, but you're eating and eating these tasteless morsels of congealed sawdust! Why? Because you're an addict you lowlife, that's why. And what's more, you deserve everything you get. You chose the cereal in the most unimaginative box, the one with the blandest taste and the one that came top of Steve Ballmer's own personal list of 'shit cereals and after dinner mints' volume 4. But who cares? You can now hear Jesus, and he's telling you to go and 'Kik sum A$$!'.
Morning
During this time the cereal has not yet fully entered your system, but you are beginning to feel more aware of your surroundings and you believe that you really are a space cowboy, whilst simultaneously singing the 'Spaceman Medley', ironically now the theme-song of the anti-Flakes movement, FUUCK (Flakes Upset Us, Cowardly Kellogg). It'll be 'Urban Spaceman' as you highjack the bus on the way to school/work, 'Spaceman Came Travelling' as you drive it into your school/place of work, and then finally the dramatic 'D'yer Wanna Be A Spaceman?' as you climb onto the roof of said school/workplace as you try and launch yourself into the Sun. As odd as this may seem, you have not yet fully experienced what that golden crap has in store. Prepare for lift-off young tripper, for you are about to experience: the Flakey.
Afternoon
Yes indeed, the Flakey. Precisely 6 hours and 11 minutes after scoring some corn (street terminology, dawg) you will suddenly enter 'teh zone', stronger and more intense than all other zones before it. Whilst in 'teh zone' you will become extremely focused on one purpose and one purpose only. Said purpose varies from user to user, but usually involves the acquisition of sex, Whores or Yam. Unfortunately for you the chances of attaining any of these things are slim, as you cannot acquire sex, you cannot afford whores because of the money you spent on your habit and it's debateable if the latter example actually exists. Even so you'll still try and find what you're looking for, until you start to lose your buzz. That's when shame sets in.
The Evening
Will be spent crying into your pillow, because you're such an emo fucktard. That is until you forget why you're sobbing like a girl due to the severe brain damage of the previous day's bender and realise that you're actually quite hungry. And so beginneth thine cycle once more (Luke 4:4:4:4:4:4:4).
Common Corn Flake-Related Facts and Fiction
- According to my sources, the shelf price of 750g of Flakes is approximately $4.00 or £2.20. This makes Flakes cheaper than heroin, but more expensive than cannabis.
- The average user takes about 35-40g's of CF each day, but hardXcore addicts may ingest as much as 60g's. This is equal to 2 grams of cocaine, or 3 Kinder Surprise.
- Contrary to popular belief CFs are actually legal in all the respected countries in the world, as they are sold as cat litter. In France Corn Flakes are banned, but everyone eats them anyway due to laissez-faire governance.
- 100g's of Flakes will not make the prophet Muhammad appear (that would subject you to terrorism).
- Attempting coordinate geometry during a Flakey will cause a massive cardiac arrest.
- Buddha himself once endorsed Corn Flakes in a calculated marketing ploy to draw in more of the younger crowd, but withdrew his support once he realised it violated the Middle Way.
- Just one Flake will kill a small animal.
Changing Your Ways
In the end you decide to give up your addiction, as it has brought nothing but shame and dishonour upon you and your family and you start eating wholesome Nestle cereals. Unfortunately Nestle shareholders eat babies and manufacture the most popular chocolate bar in the world, which makes you an infant-murdering conformist bastard. Well done, you sick fuck.
