Console Wars
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
The Console Wars are stupid.
They were created by a bunch of rich white people to generate more revenue from their army of free advertising, also known as fanboys.
Contents |
Sega vs. Nintendo
When Sega's Genesis and Nintendo's Super Nintendo were released sometime before 1975 all nerds, geeks and fat bastards became divided among the two systems. Sega had something called "Blast Processing", which was just a jumped-up way of saying that the system blew up when there were nearby Jews. This was emphasized in their ads always ending with a dying Jewish representative screaming out the word "SEGA!" which is Hebrew for "The Illuminati gave you 16-bit graphics!" Not to be beaten by Sega, Nintendo pushed their "Mode 7" special graphical effect that allowed programmers to insert pure hate and pain directly into your games. The early system wars were not nearly as heated as today, seeing that only smart people had the internet back then. Any arguments about the better system would have to be held outside, a place which the loyal gamer never dares to venture. Still, this was the pivotal moment in gaming, as it paved the way to a brighter future; one where trolls could whore forums without regard to logic or facts, using their masses of fat to sustain them in many a flame war that nobody can remember.
Sony Comes in and Ruins Everything
Nintendo and Sega had everything worked out by 1984, with the market nearly divided in two and each company possessing it's own small yet intensely loyal fan base pushing their chosen system to both of their friends, but avoiding each other for fear of general your mom jibes and the obligatory fat jokes. But suddenly the uneasy truce between the two factions was demolished that very same year, when some assholes at Sony decided to just "spice things up a bit" by creating the Playstation, opening the market up to the terminally stupid and homies. The first Playstation games impressed through their 3D graphics, garnering comments like "HOLY SHIT 3D" and "Run in Circles...IN 3D", and of course, the time honoured classic "3D Platformer: Journey to the broken controller". The system destroyed the careful balance that had developed in the gaming world, and amazingly Sony managed to pick up both the rich white kids from Nintendo, but also the Sega goons, both considered core members of each company's playing base. This also was a pivotal moment in fanboy history, as both companies needed to appeal to normal people, something neither had dared to try before.
===Nintendo Makes Worst Controller They Can===
Appealing to their now niche market, Nintendo decided to change at little as they can. Worried that that the holes in disks would be considered places for lonely gamers to stick their penes in, they decided to stay with the cartridge format, which is far less wang-friendly. They then implemented a controller meant to be as awkward as possible to weed out the weak-hearted gamers, leaving only the strong and fat to push the newest Nintendo system for them.
Sega isn't street enough
Having lost their previous fan base and those enticed by Blast Processing to Sony, they focused on their now exclusive market of drunks and 40-year olds who still live with their moms. They planned accordingly and focused on making RPGs and sports games. The high quality games on the Saturn were rarely played because all the drunks wasted their money on booze and the old nerds had no money except when their mom let them get some more Warhammer figurines. This marketing catastrophe left Sega on life support. Luckily, fanboys once and for all proved their value to gaming companies by buying enough Saturns and Game.coms to keep the company fighting in the next round of systems.
One Steps Out, One Steps In
Sega had a slowly dropping income due to many brain haemorrhages suffered by gamers too perplexed by the likes of Panzer Dragoon Saga and Space Jam to cope. They carefully looked at what kept them in the running in their first brawl with Nintendo and realized there was one important factor to winning: being first. They slapped together a new system, gave it the particularly gay name Dreamcast, then boasted of it's revolutionary graphics and speed, telling all who would listen that the new Sonic game ran at a mind-numbing 30+FPS. They then followed it up by releasing a series of revolutionary games featuring many firsts for consoles. They had it all; online gaming, MMO, seamen and not one but TWO games that involved running around asking people about your missing relatives. Sadly for Sega, everyone was too busy playing their Playstation games to even notice.
Sony Cleans up
Sony saw the power and innovation of the Dreamcast and realized that everyone would notice it at some point, so they knew that action needed to be taken. They did what any smart company does; save money by making a slightly worse version of the old console, but give it a much more recognizable name. Sony knew its market, and knew that big words (especially compound words) confused most gamers, so they just tacked a big shiny 2 on the new system to show it was a sequel, and in hopes of bringing back memories of "Revenge of the Nerds 2" in the process. They then made a handful of incredibly stupid business decisions that would’ve killed any other gaming company; luckily they had an army of thugs and football hooligans to beat up anyone who bought another system.
Nintendo doesn't really do much
Nintendo came in decided to do what was always working for them: release a few Mario games, innovate once or twice, and then call it a day.
Micro$oft Is Hated By Fanboys
Microsoft came in and decided on a business plan that spelled complete failure. They did the opposite of Sony at every turn, to show how ‘independent’ and ‘free-thinking’ they were. Microsoft decided it was time for a new challenger to enter the fray. They looked at the market with dismay; the Nintendo crowd were sure as hell not going anywhere, and Sony’s Orwell-esque intimidation techniques kept the masses paralyzed with fear. Microsoft realized their only hope was to lure PC gamers to the dark side. They looked at what made the PC different compared to console games and tried to mimic it all: the focus on online gaming, the popularity of first person shooters and, most importantly of all, the massive weight associated with a PC. Finally, they added a dash to the console gaming that was purely Gates: unholy amounts of greed, charging for simple things like playing online and map packs. The PC gamers and the lost ones who bought the system were used to getting raped by Microsoft, so it worked out great.
Future Battles
Microsoft has manned the battlefield early with the XBOX 360 already released, which they built upon their current battle plan they call the 2 Gs: Girth and Greed. But not far behind them is Sony, with more ideas ripped off from other companies and a fresh squad of hard types at their tail. Let's not forget Nintendo either, with another brand of innovation via complex controllers and the fattest, sweatiest players this side of GameFAQs. What does this next round in the conflict have in store? Who will be the winner? It's quite obvious; the rich white guys at Microsoft and the rich asians at Sony and Nintendo. It is also well know that many veterans from this round of the Console Wars will go on to become heroes of World War III.
