Conservatism
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Conservatism is stupid.
Contents |
Origins
Sometime before 1975, the first groups of people that comprised the Christian church went on a crusade to restrict the population from doing anything that may offend God. It began with major transgressions such as bestiality and homosexuality (God hates fags), and progressed to things such as eating shellfish and breathing. Later, the conservatives found their way to the North American continent, where they immediately began to kill each other out of fear that a witch was in their midst. Sadly, Charles Darwin's natural selection appears to fail at least part of the time, as conservatives now thrive in America and the Middle East.
Contemporary Conservatism
Though we are well into the 21st-century, it is worth noting that the median age of conservatives is roughly 93 (this would be higher if it were not being skewed by the thirty or forty members of the Young Republicans). Like all conservatives, they seek to destroy everything that may offend God, who blesses America. That these blessings include hurricanes, earthquakes and terrorist attacks is considered by rational people as evidence that God is, at the very least, not paying attention. But not conservatives. No, they simply point out that if America wasn't so obsessed with buggery, drug use and loose women, we wouldn't have had fifteen hurricanes in 2005, as God is clearly punishing us. Using logic such as this, they have seized and held the moron demographic for quite some time. Since a great majority of Americans are morons, they are revered as a formidable voting bloc by conservatives and are routinely courted with legislation designed to keep the black man down.
Conservatives in American Government
Conservatives are always seeking to cleanse the system of liberal influences and "activist" judges (judges who are not conservative). Congress begins the process by proposing a bill. For example, they may propose a bill making smallpox injections mandatory for all homosexuals. To make this bill easier to swallow, they attach another bill to it that makes rapists who rape women in the ass serve twice as much prison time as those who rape the old fashioned way. Then they name it "The Bill to Protect Women from Assrape for the Freedom and Democracy of America," and send it to the Senate. It is immediately approved, because hey what are you? A rape-lover? You rape-loving baby raper! Finally, the bill is submitted to the President of the United States, who immediately signs it into law because if he read the entire bill he would miss Power Rangers.
Because these bills have such a high mortality rate, conservatives treat them like sea turtle hatchlings, making hundreds of them to ensure that at least some survive. Their arch-rivals in the judicial branch play the part of the hungry shark in this drama of nature, forever closing the circle of life, but unable to catch and eat them all.
They also were responsible for the Ku Klux Klan.
Conservatives in Popular Media
In 1984, new and exciting broadcasting methods were created with the advent of cable television. A whole new soapbox was ripe for the taking, and conservatives leapt at the opportunity. Today, they have impenetrable strongholds in AM radio and on FOX News (a misnomer, as there is no actual news on FOX). Among their ranks is ephebophile and bath sponge fetishist Bill O'Reilly, who has a widely syndicated program designed to dissiminate information that he just makes up. Though he claims to be an "independent," his penchant for stupidity and being bald and white reveal him to be the conservative that he is.
Rush Limbaugh is O'Reilly's radio equivalent. The Rush Libaugh Show is several hours of people calling in to praise American soldiers, followed by condemnation of liberals and conservatives who don't share an interest in killing babies and abusing prescription medication.
Ann Coulter was once a mild-mannered intelligent woman, until a secret conservative experiment replaced her attractive feminine hands with the cryogenically preserved left feet of Hitler and Moussolini. The hatred and stupidity of these two men combined to make an unstoppable force of bitchery the likes of which none had ever seen. The gospel of Coulter prohibits women from ever leaving the kitchen or denying their husbands sex on demand. She also believes that the Jewish Conspiracy is oppressing her, and is always ready to use the mysterious powers contained within her feet-hands.
Neo-Conservatives
Neo-conservatives are the super-saijens of the conservative world. Their hatred levels often exceed one-million, and that's only using 25% of their total power. Among the most notable is John Roberts, leader of the 700 Club cult. Roberts uses his psychic abilities to order God to cure the ailments of his audiance members and watch women shower to make sure they are not masturbating.
