Cola War
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
The Cola Wars are stupid.
The term Cola refers to a diuretic drink that uses koalas for flavoring. Originally available only in the koala's native Australia, it was popularized by America sometime before 1975 when J Edward Smythe of the Smythe Drug Store and Old Fashioned Root Beer Apothecary sweetened the beverage with his favorite pick-me-up: cocaine. It quickly spread throughout the world and became the most widely available drink, surpassing even water on every continent except Africa, where no one could afford to drink anything more expensive than their own urine. The drink's popularity spawned several copycat creations, all of which merged or were bought out, until only two were left. Representing capitalism and the free market was Coca-Cola. Trying to meet the threat from the American company, the Soviet Union responded with Pepsi, a state-sponsored superdrink engineered to bring refreshment to workers everywhere, but especially to those workers toiling under the iron fist of communism. Thus started one of the most dangerous and costly wars ever to hit the Earth: The Cola Wars. Nostradamus himself predicted a war over various brands of cola, prophesising that "Many a fading celebrity will take sides in a desperate bid to save their failing careers". Of course he was wrong, as to promote a soft drink is an indication that an individual's career in the mainstream is long since over.
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History
In 1984 during the height of the Cold War, the battle between Coke and Pepsi began on a rainy day when scientists in the Pepski Lab at Chernobyl (then codenamed "Project Polar Bear Slaughter" and headed by Baron Von Pepski) finished their recipe for the drink that would bear the name of the lab (the k was dropped in the American market as sounding "a bit too russki"). The Soviet Union snuck Pepsi into America by diverting the government's attention with the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the battle began. After America had its first taste of the addictive elixir, it was impossible to keep out of the country.
The battle was over early on in Mother Russia and her satellite countries as Pepsi stormtroopers marched on Eastern European capitals and demanded that everyone take what we now know as the "Pepsi Challenge." The challenge involved having testers try both Pepsi and Coca Cola, then executing anyone who would dare defy the will of the proletariat. Shortly after these executions cut deeply into their market share in Eastern Europe Coca Cola officials were seen dealing out Coke samples to Americans on the street with a leaflet encouraging them to "stay blue and drink red!" The campaign worked brilliantly and Coke set out to establish its dominance througout America and the rest of the Western world. Since the West is where the money is at, Coke was easily able to play catch up to the communists throughout the following years of the war.
With the collapse of the Soviet Union and the fall of East Berlin, Pepsi found itself unfettered by the chains of communism and was able to flourish. This took many years, as the brand had suffered like a political prisoner in a gulag. Through many years of struggle, lots of marketing twists and turns and the fact that Coca Cola decided that New Coke and Coke II were brilliant ideas, Pepsi made a serious comeback.
The Cola War rages on to this day between Coke and Pepsi as a proxy continuation of the Cold War: just as deadly, but twice as tasty.
Death Toll
The official death toll of the Cola War is classified. Since the battle is still ongoing, new victims are claimed every day at an ever-accelerating rate as the two companies vie to bring new, ever more X-TREME products to market. Facing increasing competition from tap water as consumers realized that the colas did not, in fact, quench thirst, both companies created their own versions of bottled water. Coca Cola created Dasani which ironically, is the Russian word for "sucker" - while Pepsi responded with Aquafina (Latin for "water free from taste"). Both companies continue to try to maintain the addiction to their flagship colas however, by marketing to tweens on the Cartoon Network.
Soviet Union Aftermath
After the Soviet Union was no more, several warlord generals continued to produce Pepsi and export it to America. They formed dangerous cartels and the Mob. There are still covert missions and clandestine meetings between the top officials of the cartel, and they murder approximately 5,000 American Senators each year who support Pepsi Tariffs. The Chernobyl Lab later exploded, which the Russians tried to cover up as a nuclear power accident to keep demand for their product high.
Current Status of the War and Its Various Players
These days the Cola Wars are all about aggressive marketing, benign sloganry and profiteering. In other words, little has changed, but lots of new faces are constantly cropping up as each company attempts to outdo the other with bigger and better schemes to separate the people of the world from their money.
Oh No, Slogans! Run For The Basement Kids! RUN!!!
"Be Sociable, Have a Pepsi. All Together. Now." - Pepsi
"Refresh Yourself and be Your Own Person. Freedom Rocks!" - Coke
"Join the Pepsi People and Experience Equal Freedom." - Pepsi
"Red White & You, But Also With Blue Too for your Crew." - Coke
"Real." - Pepsi
More Real." - Coke
It just goes on like this.
Slightly Different Cola
The newly-independent state of Pepski got the ball rolling by releasing Pepsi ONE, Pepsi Edge and Pepsi 1.0 (beta) all within a week of each other to great effect almost everywhere except Missouri. This was despite the fact that even the company itself explicitly told consumers that all of those products were THE SAME. Coca Cola responded with Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Cherry Coke which all taste the same, despite allegedly all being different products. Score a big fat greedy point for Pepsi. To the MAX.
Question: Does Cherry Coke Make You Gay?
Yes.
Fizzy Shit Can Come In Many Varieties
With Coke feeling more than a little bit upset and visibly cranky, Pepsi decided to really rub it in by releasing '7 Up Yours', a drink practically the same as cola but, wait for it, a bit more, ok now CLEAR!!!!11oneone Pepsi executives were practically (and in more than one recorded case, disturbingly literally) wetting themselves in a big wet mess of greed. Coca Cola countered with 'Spite', a particularly bittersweet beverage flavoured with lemons and cabbage targeted at Pepsi drinkers simply to try and give them cancer. This failure prompted Coke to release 'Purge', aimed at drinkers who saw themselves as a cut above the rest and who were willing to eliminate the drinkers of their rival company's products by physical force. Pepsi laughed to see such fun and produced 'Mounting You, Nazis' to yet again get one over on Coke. The Coca Cola boys were in real danger of losing this round and, like before, needed some divine innovation to turn it around. As long as it wasn't New Coke.
The Cola Wars Descend Into Farce
These days both companies are mere tools of the Illuminati, when the super secret organisation threatened to reveal the secret ingredient of cola if they did not cooperate. They both did, and the fact that carbon is the secret ingredient in cola is safe for now. Although products from both companies are readily available, they're both now contributing to the same evil syndicate, rather than two separate evil syndicates. Of course most people don't believe this, as they find the idea that two groups that appear to be campaigning against each other are actually working for the same purpose preposterous. The deluded fools (cue maniacal laugh)! So in the end there aren't really any winners. Except the secret group running the world, obviously. And dentists. They must be fucking minted by now.
But I Don't Understand, New Coke Was Nice!
Get out.
