Christmas
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Christmas is stupid.
Christmas is a pagan holiday that began sometime before 1975 when the Druids, who worshipped trees, decided that they needed a festival to celebrate the winter solstice that would be as incoherent as possible. Thus was born what modern environmentalists refer to as "The Annual Fir Tree Massacre," which has been Americanized into an orgy of consumerism, overeating and road rage.
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Jesus Christ and Related Christian Symbology
The Roman Catholic Church knows a cool party when it sees one. Therefore, in its attempt to lure pagans away from their godless festivals, they co-opted and re-branded them to make them acceptable to God. Therefore, despite the fact that Jesus Christ was not born in December, the holiday became a celebration of his birth rather than of the Druid sun-god Ra. This has led to much confusion among Christians who celebrate the holiday with a mixture of fear and dismay, fueled by alcohol. The star on the top of the tree represents the Star of David, shining over the Baby Jesus in the manger that is frequently seen in public Jesus dioramas known as Nativity Scenes. Other things represent stuff in Christianity too but nobody can ever seem to sober up enough to sort them all out.
Christmas Tree
The Christmas tree is triangular, and represents the Holy Trinity, which can be made prettier with decorations.
Tinsel and Other Tree Decorations
These silver and gold tree decorations represent the greed of the Jews and remind Christians of the holocaust.
Wrapping Presents
Wrapping presents symbolizes the Jesus wrapped up in the Shroud of Turin and remind Christians of the horrible death Jesus suffered.
Yule Logs
Yule logs represent how sinners will burn in hell for all eternity if they don't stop worshipping trees and shit.
Mistletoe
The custom of hanging mistletoe in the doorway symbolizes Jesus hanging on the cross and reminds Christians that kissing is pretty hot.
Santa Claus
Originally thought to be a Dutch Catholic Saint who had a reputation for giving gifts to young boys who were "good" (no further editorializing will be enagaged in), Santa Claus (Dutch, meaning "pedophile") is actually alive and well. He resides at the North Pole with his enabler, known only as "Mrs. Claus." Santa spends most of his time directing his Elvises in a workshop where they build the toys which Santa delivers to good children everywhere. Good, of course, is defined by the Catholic church, and so Santa has a robust coal-mining industry to supply the world's various Jew, Muslim and Scientologist children with their annual lumps.
