Christianity
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Christianity is stupid.
Christianity is an ancient Jewish cult. Its members are known as Christians.
Contents |
History
Jesus H. Christ
Christianity was founded sometime before 1975 by a man known as Jesus. Although popular mythology paints a picture of Jesus as a Jewish Carpenter, he was in reality a frail homeless man with clear European features: the elongated nose and face, the lily-white skin, the penchant for togas, etc. We know this because of the many frescoes that exist depicting Jesus in the various cathedrals around the world and on the Internet. Carpentry being a bit tedious for a man of his disposition, Jesus soon concocted a story about how was the son of God and that his mother was a virgin in order to get people to follow him as the messiah. Having enough followers, he correctly reasoned, would allow him to coast on the work of others, dabble in a bit of whoremongering, and all he would have to do is give a good speech every now and then.
The Early Years
This worked splendidly. By, in effect, creating a religion, Jesus was able to wander about for years living off the stupidity of his followers. They called him the Christ after he said he would die for them. He said it metaphorically, They took it literally. This continued until a follower named Judas discovered Jesus's secret after overhearing him hitting on a 15 year old Roman girl. This indiscretion resulted in his crucifixon. His followers mistakenly believed that he would be resurrected and that his death served to absolve them from all sin. The joke was on them, of course, when they died after a life of servitude and ended up in hell anyway.
The Dark Ages
In the spirit of Jesus' message of love, peace and charity (for everyone ELSE, lol!!!!), Christians set out to convert everyone to Christianity. Amazed by the resistance they received, they decided that cajoling everyone into converting was just taking too damn long, so they started killing people. The conversations went something like this:
Christian: Hey! Do you love Jesus? Heathen: Who? *chops off head*
These wars were known, respectively, as the Crusades, and the Spanish Inquisition.
Enlightenment
Once the Reformation was carried out, the Renaissance period began and the enlightenment of Christianity was able to flourish. It was in this enlightened time that people were only jailed for heresy, as opposed to put to death. Also during this time pedophilia began to take its place within the church, as tightly wound priests could neither kill people nor have sex. Since everybody knows sticking your dick in an underage boy's asshole isn't sex, the practice became widely accepted.
Modern Day Christians
Modern day Christians retain the majority of the traits of their forebears. They can be found all around the world practicing hypocrisy, persecuting other religions and handling snakes. In the United States, they can usually be found in what are known as "Red States," and they refer to themselves as "GOOD MERKINS." Some notable Christians are George W. Bush, and Pat Robertson of the 700 club. The modern day Christian attends church on a regular basis, after which he heads to the city to get drunk, get high and visit his favorite male prostitute. They also like to point out how bad it is for others to look at a nipple.
Despite centuries of scientific discovery, modern day Christians also believe that the entire universe was created in seven days (one of which was a rostered day off) about 3,500 years ago, and that all fossilized evidence to the contrary was put there by Satan in order to confuse us. Modern day Christians call Jesus 'Jeeeeee-zuuuuz', often while holding their hands aloft in a salute similar to the one the Nazis perfected in WWII.
