Che Guevara
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
"Che" Guevara is stupid.
Make that was stupid because, thankfully, the asshat sociopath was executed 40 years ago. This hasn't stopped a bunch of self-loathing rich college kids from worshiping him by playing ethnicky jazz to parade their snazz on their five grand stereos. Che was a commie pinko murderer who fucked up Cuba and forced all the decent people into exile, making him ultimately responsible for that Brady Bunch episode where Marcia soils her undies over Desi Arnaz, Jr. But never mind all that, because commies are phat with the kiddies right now, making t-shirts plastered with Che's mug quite fashionable among college-aged burnouts and indie musicians.
Life and Times
Ernesto "Che" Guevara de los Santoclausos a la King was born in Antarctica sometime before 1975. As a kid, he starred on a couple of failed ABC sitcoms, and was a guest on a very special Punky Brewster, where he gave the titular character a scorching case of pubic lice. During this time he used the stage name "Little Ernie", but was constantly confused with a Sesame Street muppet, so he stole his nickname from actress Cher and just lopped off the final "r", much in the same way he would lop off the heads of decent, law-abiding Cuban citizens in the future.
After Hollywood got sick of him, he took a job as a cook in a Mexican restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. He was arrested by the health department for giving a significant portion of the eatery's patronage a nasty spell of Montezuma's Revenge. The white folks threw him in the hoosegow, so he decided to get even. He hooked up with fellow inmates Fidel Castro, Manuel Piñata and Tito Puente and the four of them busted out by stealing some hippie's VW bus. They drove to Cuba and made a meager living by playing "Babalu" for rich gringos in the posh resorts of Havana.
In 1984, Che got ahold of a laser and decided he wanted to rule the world, but he was only barely able to take over Cuba. Around this time, Fat Fidel got made by the Gambino crime family and killed Mr. Guevara in the ballroom with the candlestick. Castro tied Che to a sheet of gold and cut him in half with his own damn laser beam to see which side of his brain was dominant based on which half flopped the longest. Guevara's body was turned to chum and used to lure sharks into the Bay of Pigs. If they hadn't done that, John F. Kennedy would be America's king to this day.
Media
As far as anyone knows, this guy had only one stinking picture taken of him ever. A bunch of bitter children of privilege have sunk a significant portion of their trust funds into apparel adorned with this image. A little known fact is that Che ran out of Burma Shave a week prior and couldn't get a decent shave before posing. This image of Che was the inspiration for the chimpanzee Cornelius in the movie Planet of the Apes.
Some asshats made a movie about Che a few years ago where they conveniently omitted all the people he murdered. This same group of revisionist historians plans to make a movie in the future about the brilliant painting career of Adolf Hitler.
Nicknames
Guevara has more nicknames than Kanye West has IQ points, giving him at least 13. Some of the more popular ones are Che, El Che, La Che, Super Che!, Chevy Che and That Commie Murderer. At least one ugly fat lesbian on the campus of Berkeley has nicknamed him Mr. Snuggywuggy Snookums.
