Cell Phone
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Cell Phones are stupid.
Contents |
A Short History
Cell phones are devices that were concocted by the early American settler Admiral Sir William Penn, who also claimed Pennsylvania in the name of his great-grandfather, John Weiner-Schnitzel. Admiral Sir William Penn realized that because George Washington had outlawed whores in the new lands, he would have to find an innovative new way to contact his “bitchf” (Please not that the letter “s” had not been invented yet, and was instead written as the letter “f”) without the feds knowing about it. He knew that the feds probably had his home phone wiretapped, so he enlisted the help of Alexander Graham Bell, Jonathan “Marshmallow” Smith, and P. T. Hershey to make a new device dubbed “The Smore.” After this first success of a tasty camping treat, they took on the primary goal of inventing a moving telephone.
Their first trial was a failure, unfortunately, because they thought it would have been easier to invent a telephone that could walk with you, but instead stumbled upon the Terminator. Little known to the world, the tagline “I’ll be back” is actually a shortened message of the first voicemail default setting, “I’ll be back, please leave a message.”
Their second trial was also a failure, but only because P. T. Hershey made a pass at “Marshmallow,” and Marshmallow had to prove his masculinity by beating the ever-loving shit out of Hershey, and calling him a fudgepacker, to which Hershey had no defense.
The third trial was finally a success, and they took the first initials of their names, rearranged them, took them all out and put in new letters to get the company name of “Nokia.” They moved to Japan and Sir William Penn enjoyed numerous booty calls from Asian woman. 45% of students in the University of California system have ancestry linked with Sir William Penn.
Facts about Cell Phones
Cell phones are known to cause cancer. Usually a sex orientated cancer, but has been known to cause surprising anomalies such as a male growing ovaries which turn cancerous.
Modern Day Usage
In modern times, cell phones have 5 general uses.
Talking to Other People
Some people insist on using their cell phones for the inappropriate usage of actually making calls. To the horror of nearby people, these calls are sometimes short, to the point, and very important.
Everyone knows that the only correct phone call on a cell phone has the following rules:
DO: Talk for a long amount of time
DO: Use while driving in rush hour traffic and shaving/putting on make-up,drinking a latte and beating your kid in the back seat.
DO: Make purchases and converse with other people while on your phone
DO: Talk about senseless trivial things
DO: Use the phrase “was like” instead of “said” when reporting a dialogue
DO: Talk loudly! Cell phones weren’t made to be used in a normal everyday environment, and there isn’t enough technology to pick up your voice with a microphone that’s over 2 centimeters from your mouth
DO NOT: Talk with a normal level voice
DO NOT: Respect others who are not talking on a cell phone. If they can’t afford one, they don’t deserve respect.
DO NOT: Put your phone on vibrate, you could get cancer!
Showing One’s Taste in Music
One of the top reasons for having a Cellular telephone is to show off your taste in music. There is nothing anyone likes more than paying for an education and attending a lecture than to suddenly hear the sound of a black man yelling to the sound of synthesized drums and women moaning in the background (See Rap). Besides, any woman who hears this lyrical gift from God will want to have immediate sexual intercourse with you.
Be careful though! Ring tones can be a double-bladed sword. Make sure you do not use the ring tone that actually sounds like a ringing telephone, as this is a turn off for every female in the room.
As stated earlier, using vibrate can give you cancer. However, among primates, vibration in one’s pants is a sign of weakness, and that can be devastating to the young male looking to spread his sperm to every willing candidate.
Driving
What better way to prevent accidents and sharpen your attention during driving than to use a cell phone? Studies have shown that women aged 30-50 who drive SUVs or Minivans show a startling 50% drop in car accidents when using a cell phone.
The leading cause of death in this category is still blunt trauma to the head by a soccer ball.
Text Messaging
Why would anyone want to talk when they can just type out the message in 20 times the time it takes to say something? Aside from being a complete waste of time, Text messaging also allows young teens to practice their spelling. Take an example:
Before text messaging: lol sup guyz party at my house 2nite k? bring beer b4
After the introduction of text messaging: Hello dear friends. I am having a get-together at my humble abode once the sun sets and I hope to see you all there. If anyone could bring refreshments such as alcohol before hand, I would appreciate it.
OH NO HE DI’IN
NO HE DI’IN. NO HE DI’IN. I SWEAR TO GOD IMMA KILL DAT NIGGA. I CAN’T BULEAVE THAT NIGGA DID DAT TO ME. OH NO HE DI’IN. OHHH NO HE DI’IN. <pause>HE SAID DAT? HE SAID DAT?! OH NO HE DI’IN. OHHHHH NO HE DI’IN. IMMA KILL DAT NIGGA. OH NO HE DI’IN. <pause> IMMA TEX MESSAGE HIS ASS RIGH NOW, AN IMMA GET ROGER TO BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS. IMMA TEX MESSAGE HIM RIGH NOW, LET ME CALL YA BACK LATTER. Stupid motha fucka wanna cheat on me? Oh, no he di’in. Oh, NO HE DI’IN.
