Bug

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

"Hey man, don't you be no playa-hatin'. You a dirty son-bitch, homes. I cut you."

Bugs are stupid.

Bugs are God's second choice (after Israel) in giving himself a chuckle. When he watched what was going on down on Earth every day, he'd get depressed. So He decided to come up with something that was tiny and creepy-looking, could crawl in human's mouths at night, and would cause grown men and women to shriek like little girls. Thus out of this cavity of creativity came bugs and Diane Rehm.

Origins

According to the Bible, bugs were created on the sixth day to "give humans sick pleasure by filling the Lord’s kettles and burning the fuckers alive. Maximum lols all round." For those that are grounded in the real world, bugs are among the oldest creatures on the planet, being some of the earliest products of Evolution and thus theoretically crap compared to everything else, being the simple little fools that they are. Of course this is a fallacy as many bugs are capable of working in efficient teams building habitats and collecting resources, whereas 90% of humans in a group cannot work out how to make a sundial from a pencil and a doughnut. Therefore, unfortunately, it is you who is the simple little fool. Sorry about that.

Bugs incorporate both insects and arachnids. Once upon a time they were known and classed as two separate groups, because in the past most humans could comprehend basic mathematics. Nowadays though gross stupidity has rendered it necessary that they are all lumped together for the benefit of idiots, described as arthropods by these fools (a made-up word if ever there was one). According to today's logic, a silk moth and a tarantula can be collated together under the same banner. This is like drafting Iraqis and Afghans together because "They is all murderous, terrorist towel-heads, they is."

Bad example, but you get the idea.

A Selection Of Species

Coleoptera

Beetles, you ignorant cock. Designed and built by the Germans sometime before 1975, there are many varieties of beetle to provide for people who want to be aggravated in fairly unique ways. The most popular model is the coccinellidae, also known as the "ladybird", "ladybug" or, for the politically correct, "femininely-named beetles of which a significant number are male, despite the contrary opinion one might derive from a name chosen in unenlightened times by rednecks who hated the coccinellidae for not having massive knockers, and so they were given the name as a derogatory reference. They’re partly black, too, which doesn’t help." Despite the fact that this particular beetle will fail its first M.O.T. almost every single time without fail, it proves popular with country lovers as they act as very small security guards for crops, asking any little shit without a permit to please vacate the greenery pretty sharpish, lest they fancy having their food cut up into even smaller bits in the near future.

Unfortunately the vast majority of beetles just hang around in gangs, causing trouble and robbing petrol stations. Many engage in inter-species turf wars, brought on by their refusal to go and die somewhere so that the rest of the planet doesn't have to bother with them - ring any bells? Some beetles, such as the stag beetle (which is a bit of a go-er, if you know what I mean, eh, know what I mean?), don't understand this concept and end up fighting each other, which gives small children and asians literally hours of fun. The only drawback is that the fights never end up in the loser being killed and subsequently devoured. Which is where a participant in the next group enters...

Dictyoptera

Bored at work? Not learning enough/learning too much at school? Desperately need a way to liven up your brother's marriage to cousin Ian? Dictyoptera are your new best friends! Forget the holy trinity, THIS trio of fabuous fun is where it's at! Consisting of termites, cockroaches and everybody's favourite the praying mantis, you'll never be bored again with dictyoptera at the party! Here's the sort of ker-azy shenanigans you can expect from each part of this group:

• Termites - Termites work together very well as a business unit, with each member knowing who is in their division and who can actually tell them which project they're meant to be working on so that the whole operation doesn't go tits up within 6 months.

Within termite colonies that can have millions of members, there is one king and one queen. And all they do is fuck. Constantly. If you can manage to not get eaten by one of those clicking tribespeople out in Africa after your mom kicks you out and tells you to get a job and stop scrounging for once in your miserable life (bitch), your reward is to meet another horny teenage termite, find an attractive clump of dirt and shag each other stupid all day every day while your children, who actually have some ability, waste their entire lives doing what you want them to until they drop dead. It’s every parent’s dream.

Australian magnetic termites build tomb-like mounds. These mounds don’t actually serve a purpose, they’re just expressions of the termites’ raw sadness at being Australian. One such example won the Turner Prize in 1984.

You'd better hope that's not a lesbian mantis lady, or you're in for a rough ride.

• Praying Mantises – The praying mantis gets its name from its religious fervour and willingness to rip apart the faithless in the name of Judiasm (an offshoot of Mormonism, itself a branch of Scientology). The mantis is an adept fighter that has mastered the soccer hooligan style of combat, whereby it will ambush an opponent and beat the shit out of them before they have a chance to react, but will scream and flail its arms around like a complete girl if threatened. With the mantises, however, it’s the girls you need to watch.

Most men want their women to be animals in bed, and in return will give them up to four minutes of general groping and grunting until it all becomes too much effort and they go and do something less tedious, such as get hammered or watch considerably more attractive people feel each other up. Female praying mantises demand sex when they want it, usually after Oprah so that they can feel better about their lives, during which they rip the male’s head off mid-session. For the majority of men it's just a metaphor to have your head bitten off for not doing it properly or falling asleep 30 seconds in. “Fucking dozy cow, you’re meant to take the other head. Go and make me a sandwich. Not as vomit-inducing as… oh shit.” Still, at least looks don’t really matter, seeing as they won’t be there for long. Nerds would dance in the street if human sexorising was this way, which is why as many as 60% of human females let their men live after sex.

Scientists in the Special K have tried to encourage a female mantis to mate with James Blunt, but they can’t get one to go within 50 feet of the fairy-voiced tit. Figures.

A typical afternoon on campus for these college students. Hang on; is that the "even gayer than the other one" one from Will & Grace eating the roaches? And is he hanging out with Napoleon Dynamite? And Adam Sandler? Who wouldn't want to be at THAT party? Oh - the entire world.

• Cockroaches – Everybody knows that cockroaches would be the only survivors of a nuclear holocaust. Which means that we are all collectively idiots, because it isn’t true. Fruit flies – yes; parasitic wasps – yes; religious rodents – yes; cockroaches – char-grilled and probably in a Mexican’s sandwich faster than you can say vamanos!.

Cockroaches excrete as they eat which, fair play to them, does save time. Unfortunately, some of the more backward roaches spend their entire lives in the same place, forever engaged in this cycle and unaware of exactly how to get out of it. Other backward roaches that witness this process recognise that they should not do it, but being unable to think for themselves the same thing inevitably happens to them. They can live without their heads for a week though, so are ideally suited to mate with mantises (aside from the whole “offspring-being-horrible-freaks”, or Scottish Syndrome as it’s known).

Some idiot once swallowed 90 cockroaches in a minute. He then drank a gallon of enriched uranium, to see once and for all if cockroaches are immune to radiation. The cockroaches survived, and to this day are constantly re-eating what was left of him.

Hymenoptera

Comprising ants, bees and wasps, this group is the military wing of the bug operation, primarily responsible for ruining picnics and spoiling Summer days whenever possible. They also live under oppressive regimes ruled over by a single queen, similar to the termites. However, this trio have it even harder as they are expected to die defending the queen if their base is ever invaded. What makes them the laughing stock of the bug world is that they readily comply! They seemingly can’t work out that thousands of soldiers, workers and drones could easily take out one queen and then they could live democratic lives in a utopian society, free from the matriarchal oppression they had previously known. If Hitler had been an ant, a bee or a wasp, he’d have had no problems whatsoever. Instead, all the humans who could rose up against him and stopped him before he could dominate Europe.

Well, everyone except the French.

A few years ago some separatist ants put out a film that depicted their struggle against oppression and featured their representation of the ideal alternative to what they experienced. However, not long afterwards the National Ant Direction of Society league released a counter propaganda film that showed life for an ant as being largely enjoyable, interspersed with zany high jinks and mild peril resulting in a fun time for all. The plight of the Bumble Bee attempted to draw similar attention to the suffering of bees, but because they’re annoying little fuckers that contribute absolutely nothing to society, it was totally ignored.

Wasps generally don’t cause much of a fuss as although their lives are spent constantly working for a queen much like the others, they can own both bees and ants whenever they feel like it. Much like humans, they derive pleasure from senselessly murdering another animal because their own lives are so pointless. Unlike humans, they don’t have to take a double-barrelled shotgun, a hummer and 5 friends with similar weapons to off something an eighth of their size.

The wasp - truly, a sickening thing.

Orthoptera

Grasshoppers. They jump. A long way. They make those intensely irritating chirping sounds all day. That’s it. If you see one, you are strongly encouraged to stamp on it to protect the sanity of everyone and everything else. Better yet, kidnap one, tie it to a very small chair and then force-feed it its own legs as a lesson. Ensure that you video it, and post it on Al-Jazeera as a warning to any other grasshoppers that want to try it (Make sure you know what ‘it’ is – you don’t want to appear unethical).

Just a suggestion.

Lepidoptera

Moths and butterflies, or most likely “flutterbies” as many idiot children call them due to their lack of education and incestuous family tree. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of torturing annoying creatures, why not capture a moth and then release it into a ring of fire. Because moths are actually disorientated by bright lights¹, it will most likely flounder into the fire and then desperately flap around trying to put itself out while you and your buddies make random noises and cheer loudly. You can just stab butterflies, ideally in front of the aforementioned youngsters as it will crush their idyllic fantasies of a beautiful world and make them recognise and accept the hate that is right before their eyes. Now that is wonderful.

Araneae

Ah, spiders. Spiders are far and away the coolest arthropods in the Universe, as you can have so much fun with them. Here are a few ideas for exactly how underwear’s best friend can become yours too:

• It’s said that, on average, each human eats eight spiders in their sleep. Wouldn’t you be upset if you thought a friend/family member/random stranger wasn’t getting their share? Ensure that they do by hosting the world spider sprint championships on their bed and culminating in their mouth/throat/various organs. Hold the relay finals as well if you just plain don’t like them.
• Get a group of friends together and initiate a game of hide and seek, with one of your male friends being the searcher. Then put a Brazilian wandering spider where you and your friends would have hidden. After the game take the searcher out to the pub, where he will spend the entire evening trying to explain the massive hard-on he’s had for the last three hours.
• Go to New York and pretend you’re being mugged. When Spiderman appears, tell him everything’s fine and leave. It really pisses him off.
• Get as many black widows and hobo spiders as you can and make them fight each other. After the battle search all the hobo spiders as they may have a few cents on them.

Bugs In The World Of Technology

As with most oppressed creatures, bugs often resort to crime to make ends meet. Many delve deep inside computers to try and pull out the tiny diamonds that are used to make processors (check for yourself!), but get stuck and end up eating away at all the wires and gizmos inside. Some grow as big as a horse and cause havoc with computers, to the point where they become akin to a patient suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease trying to remember exactly why they went to the ruddy doctor’s in the first place. The solution to this is debugging, which involves saving all your cam whore footage onto a disc and then lobbing the computer unit out of your bedroom window onto next door’s car (only throw the monitor out if it’s a particularly large automobile). The logic behind this is that if your life is to be ruined, a few others might as well be too. Also known as the "I'm taking you down to Hell with me" plan and the Dubya principle.

Something’s “Bugging” Me About This Article HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Bugger off.

¹ALERT: There are one or two actual facts in this article. Here’s something to compensate.