England
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
England is stupid.
What many people don't realise is that England is not in fact the great former colonial giant it claims to be in popular media! No, in fact England is so far from a Giant it's what scientists call a David (see: David and Goliath). England, in fact, only measures in at 25.3 square kilometres. And whilst many university prospectus' and travel brochures would have you believe that there are hundreds of different and increasingly interesting places in England, there are only 4.
Contents |
The Mirrors of England
The reason that many people (falsely) believe that England (as part of Great Britain) is the 8th largest island in the world, is that the English Government during the reign of Elizabeth I was scared. With an Armada looming from the European land mass behemoth Spain, Elizabeth met with her advisers to seek out a way of ensuring England would seem much more threatening to the invaders from Spain.
It was decided that exactly 189 very big mirrors would be placed strategically throughout England so as to make it look like there was much more of it than there really was. The plan worked and the Armada was defeated as they were rapidly dumbfounded by the sheer size of the new (not New England) England.
Places in England
Whilst the average Englishman could easily reel off a list of 20-30 cities and several hundred towns and villages, few really know that hardly any of them exist. They are all simply mirror images of certain parts of the few cities that actually do exist. Which are;
- Wimbledon
- Southampton
- Middlesbrough
- Slack Bottom
- Weston-Super-Mare
London
A lot of scientists have used the concept of London to try and disprove the Mirrors of England. Unfortunately none of there attempts have been successful as the fact remains that London is simply the focal point of all 16 major mirrors. Take this image of "London" Bridge:
This is simply a larger reflection of a bridge in "Newcastle" (not the Tyne Bridge, that's a reflection of the Transporter Bridge in Middlesbrough) which is in itself a reflection of a bridge in Southampton.
Further Explanation
A lot of people wonder why, with so little land mass; so many mirrors and so many people, no-one has ever walked straight into any of the mirrors. Mirrologists have come up the following explanations;
- The Idiot Theory: If you walked into a mirror, would you go and tell all your friends about it?
- The Mirror Theory: There aren't actually 60 million people in the UK, there are 28 and the rest are just reflections. 12 of whom are the current Monarch and their immediate (read: un-mirrored) family, 10 are Medical and Police officials, 4 are leading Mirrologists, 1 is Jeremy Paxman and 1 is this article's author (a slightly-far-behind Mirrologist)
- The Mirror Mirror Theory: There are only actually three mirrors and they are simply reflecting and refracting each other, the number of 189 was probably just made up on the spot, under-pressure when Paxman interviewed the Chairman of the Royal Society of the Protection of Mirrors on Newsnight. Unfortunately this theory hasn't been followed any further as whoever was in charge of it's investigation promptly died of Massive Brain Explosion due to paradox complications.
Other Stuff About England
People
British people are notorious for bad food, washing once every ten years - from the Anglo-Saxon word decade, which means wash - and bad teeth. They invented Football an.
Music
In the realm of popular music, many notable bands hail from Britain. From the Invasion bands such as the Beatles and Sex Pistols to 1970s rock bands The Killers and Depeche Mode. Even today, new acts such as The Rolling Stones, Iron Maiden and ABBA continue the great tradition.
