Brain
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Brains are stupid
It was not long ago that scientists believed other parts of the body to be the locus of human feelings, intelligence, and creativity. Mainly they thought these tasks were controlled by the anus. It was not until the discovery of feces in 1984 that science began to look other places to call the home of the human mind. Eventually the brain won this honor in a 3-2 victory over the fingernails in a vote by NASA. Since this time, the brain has been rigorously studied and prodded and we now feel that we have a very firm grasp on neuroscience and the functional anatomy of the brain.
Contents |
Brain Organization
The Four Cortical Lobes
The four lobes are the parts of the brain that look all squishy and wrinkly. These wrinkles are because you spend too much time in the bathtub. They are gray in color because the brain is most likely an alien device, and aliens are gray.
The Frontal Lobe
The frontal lobe is in the front of the brain. If you could not deduce this, it's probably because you have no frontal lobe. This area of the brain is responsible for being good at Scrabble and video games. But not all video games, just the ones that require some sort of intelligence to play. Playing games with the word "unicorns", "pony", or "spyro" in the title use an inferior structure to master.
The Parietal Lobe
The parietal lobe is behind the frontal lobe. Parietal is Latin for "jealous." The parietal lobe is jealous of the frontal lobe, as it is not responsible for much more than controlling movement and storing various 80s song lyrics. The parietal lobe is so vain, that if somebody mentions "brain", the parietal lobe probably thinks the conversation is about it.
The Occipital Lobe
The occipital lobe is where Cyclops gets his laser eyes ability. In normal people it's just used for seeing. If you get hit in the back of the head by a 2x4 during a bar fight, it may affect your vision. This can be used as an excuse as to why you woke up in the bed of the town hambeast. Your friends will be so dumbfounded by your knowledge of the brain that they will have no counter argument.
The Temporal Lobe
The temporal lobe is the part of your brain you use to manipulate space-time. We all know about your secret dude... This is also the part of your brain used for hearing, in normal people. Some people have another organ called an "air bladder" that exists near the surface of their brain that can pick up sound vibrations in the air. These are mostly found in fish, and the people that have them are more related to fish than primates. To see if you have one, go stand next to a large speaker. You can feel the vibrations, can't you? You damn dirty fish fucker!
Tinier Parts
Although the four cortical lobes cover just about all human behavior, as demonstrated above, there are a few tiny parts of the brain that are evolutionarily older and control very specific functions mostly seen in lower life forms.
Amygdala
The amygdala is responsible for emotional responses. Most people are above emotions and see the world through calm and rational eyes. However, a small majority of the population known as "menstruating females" have an enlarged amygdala that sends them into an unholy rage of pure emotional terror. These women are the interest of scientific study, although in this state they often resist probing through the usual method of scientific inquiry: the penis.
Hippocampus
The hippocampus is Latin for "starhorse," which is fucking stupid and makes no sense at all and really makes you wonder if the Latinites really had any idea what they were talking about, or if it was all just bullshit they were pulling out of their ass. Anyway, it is shaped like a seahorse and is mainly responsible for forming new memories. Small bands of primitive humans still use memories to form "history" which they then use for avoiding drastic mistakes that they committed just a few years earlier, such as starting wars in politically unstable regions of the world, or not electing a fuck up for a second time in a row. These cultures still have a ways to catch up to the modern world.
Thalamus
The Thalamus is like a relay station that sits in the middle of your brain and gets input from your major sensory organs and then passes them on to the cortical lobes where they actually matter. The thalamus is probably the best place to hide a computer chip to control your thoughts. If you fear that the government may have recently done this to you, I suggest you get an ice pick and a sledgehammer and check it out.
The Even Tinier Brain: Neurons
In each of the aforementioned parts of the brains there are tiny little cells called "neurons." These neurons are like a vast network of cells that talk to each other and tell you to kill your pets. Everything in your brain--from your feelings of inappropriate love to the little boy next door, to the self awareness you feel as you masturbate in front of the mirror--all stem from the communication between these neurons. You have no soul. A soul is something your mommy and daddy made up, like the stork, to keep you from becoming emo and crying about how in the grand scheme of things, you don't matter for shit, your country doesn't matter for shit, and even the entire planet Earth doesn't matter for shit. After you grow up you're supposed to learn the truth and carry on with your life in an enjoyable fashion until you die a cold lonely death and get lost to the memory of time where in even 200 years nobody will remember you ever existed at all. But people forget to do that nowadays and so this concept of a "soul" lives on, although it does not exist outside of human wishes; again controlled by the actions of neurons.
Neural Anatomy
Neurons are made up of three main parts.
1. The Soma - This is the cell body, where all the shit a cell has inside of it lives. This is like the main factory of the cell, and the organelles inside the cell are like tiny little third world children forced to produce ATP and proteins at a far cheaper price than the American competitors.
2. The Axon - This is a long cord that carries the electrical pulses the cell body creates and communicates them to other neurons. Some neuronal axons can be up to 3 meters long, such as in giraffes and really bendy people.
3. The Dendrite - This is where the axon of another neuron attaches onto the neuron. All of the connections (up to 10,000 per neuron) travel down these dendrites and into the cell body. Sometimes these messages are happy (excitatory) and sometimes they are sad (inhibitory). Mostly they are sad, because you live a depressing life.
Where a neuron's axon attaches to another neurons dendrite is called a "Synapse."
Action Potential
The soma takes all the input from the dendrites and mixes them together, getting an overall level of electrical charge. If this charge reaches a certain level, the cell has a type of orgasm called an "action potential" that sends an electrical charge shooting down the cell axon. A cell can orgasm up to 1000 times per second, although the normal firing rate rarely exceeds 100 hertz. Rub that in your girlfriend's face next time she brags about having 3 orgasms (also way to go you stud!). When the charge reaches the end of the axon it triggers crap to be released into the synapse.
Synaptic Potential
A bunch of crap is released into the synapse that you've probably heard of before. Stuff like dopamine or seretonin, or the less commonly found assabonin, mostly seen in the gays. These are called neurotransmitters. This crap floats around and attaches onto the second neuron, and triggers it to do other crap, which could cause it to have its own orgasm. So on and so forth. With up to 100 billion neurons and 240 trillion synaptic connections, there is a crazy lot of shit going down in your brain.
Drugs
Drugs work by mimicking the crap that you find between synapses. It sneaks in there and binds to the post synaptic neuron and tells it to orgasm, or stop orgasming if it already was. This fucks things up because your brain knows how it works and when to fire an action potential. If you start firing action potentials without actually needing to, this is when you get things like hallucinations or the munchies. Most drugs aren't actually toxic to neurons, but they will rewire your brain until you become a pathetic shell of a man that even hobos will piss on.
