Bob Geldof
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Bob Geldof is stupid.
Poverty champion and media whore Bob Geldof has spent the last 20 years desperately clinging on to the coat tails of fame, refusing to acknowledge his true position as a stupid has-been that should've quit before he started. He always travels around with a Midget of Urine, whatever that is. Amazingly at some point Geldof found someone willing to have sex with him and he bore 3 children upon whom he inflicted the most moronic names possible, before adopting another with an equally daft name. Of course the way into Hollywood is through stupid ankle-biter names that will cause said child/children to turn against their elders. Peaches Geldof has already started shoplifting, an early sign of what will surely descend into massive drug use and prostitution to get back at her father.
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What Passes for a Career
Band Gayed
After a painfully dull childhood that not even his own parents gave a toss about, Geldof formed 'The Boomtown Rats', a band so abysmal they don't merit a link on EOS. The name of the band comes from the long-held myth that a retarded name means recognition, particularly in Britain where Depeche Mode = maximum LOLZORZ + 20 talent. To their credit the Rats did recognise that shooting people is funny, which led to the only song of theirs that anyone can name and probably the only song of theirs that actually exists. Geldof realised that a good helping of controversy would help him stay 'relevant' (read: Madonna), and some psycho bitch shooting defenceless children is a great way of spreading your message of "LOOK, ATTENTION WHORES HERE GUYZ!!!" Shortly after all of the band were shot and killed by irate liberal douches with the exception of Geldof, as unfortunately there isn't a bullet strong enough to penetrate his incredibly thick head.
Give Me Your Fooking Money
After his band disappeared quicker than Richard Nixon's credibility (OMFG wot duz dat meen? do sum Jerkcity jokes ROFL), Geldof decided poverty could be exploited to a high degree. Sadly it appears he was right, as barely a Christmas goes by without the lanky Irish berk shouting at the British people to give their hard-earned cash to 'The Cause'. 'The Cause' is Geldof's master stroke: While it would seem that he is campaigning for an end to poverty, the reality is the exact opposite. Through the use of subliminal messages, Geldof is able to convince people to prolong poverty, and thus keep himself in the public eye. For example, the phrase "You people had better fooking give me your fooking money or I'll blow your fooking house down" played backwards is "Poverty is fooking great." The Band Aid single released in 1984 (srsly), itself now recognised as pop music's sixth layer of Hell (the one that tastes of cinnamon - urgh), tells a merry tale of how Geldof plans to spend the money of the poor after convincing them that music can feed people. I mean come on.
Do They Know It's Christmas After All?
Because most Africans live in tribes in the middle of nowhere, they probably don't know it's Christmas and couldn't care less anyway.
<African mother> Look Ndjibadawumba, Santa brought famine this year! <African kid> But he brings that every year! <African mother> Just shut up and die son. <African kid> Fuck you, Hitler.
Live Aids
As if having to listen to Bono, George Michael and the rest of the 80s pop shitfest on the same track wasn't bad enough, Geldof got them all back on stage in front of a large number of gawking idiots for an open-air concert. With highlights such as Spandau Ballet, David Bowie and, yes, Geldof as well, Live Aid was just what everyone thought it would be: an over-elaborate, preachy pile of shit. Thank God it would never happen again.
LOL GANDALF PWND JOO
Like the ghost of Christmas wank that you were 'entertaining' at your parents' house last holiday, Geldof and his dwarf refuse to go away. 20 years after the original crime Band Aid was re-recorded with a modern line-up of pop's most hardened criminals, along with some of the old jailbirds from yesteryear, all of which had a combined IQ of roughly the single's highest chart position. Fortunately the subject of starvation still allowed for a lol or two, what with fighting over lines, uninvited nobodies trying to be part of the in-crowd and one confused starlet referring to Geldof as 'Gandalf'. Undoubtedly Band Aid 20 was a stain on the careers of all involved that would never go away, so they embraced the 'in for a penny, in for a pound' motto by staging Live 8, an e-larious play on the title of the original and definitive retarded pop concert. More shit music, shit performers, shitty shitty shit shit, cunt fuck bollocks piss gay - all of which could be seen during Sting's set in London.
DON'T YOU SEE IT'S BECAUSE G8 WAS ON AT THE SAME TIME AND THAT'S WHY IT'S LIVE 8, AM I NOT A FOOKING GENIUS?!?!?
Oi'm Not A Fooking Cock
As with all Irishmen, Geldof has come in for a fair amount of criticism. While many found it strange that a concert for Africa involved no black people, what was more upsetting was the lack of any talent whatsoever. Live Aid had Queen, and Led Zeppelin on a particularly heavy drugs day. Live 8 was devoid of any new talent whatsoever, aside from a few old bands that clearly wished drugs had finished them off sometime before 1975. It's come to light that Slipknot and Meshuggah were available that day but were they asked to play? Were they fuck. Starving people don't want to have to listen to bland pop dirges before they die, they want hardXcore death metal so they can all start moshing until they bite the dust through exhaustion.
The Journey Will Continue
At this moment in time Geldof lives the life of the typical Irish cultural figure, drinking Guinness and counting his gold. But in the future he and the Fellowship will have to carry on their search for the one ring, and they know that the ring must be found quickly. For if it is not found, then another charity single will be released, and another concert scheduled, and so it shall go on for all eternity! Let's hope North Korea starts using those nuclear bombs, eh chaps?
