Black Metal
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Black Metal is stupid.
Black Metal is a genre of metal "music" from Norway. It is characterized by noisy repetitive dissonant 3-chord guitar riffs (distorted and tuned to sound like a cross between a buzzsaw and a vaccuum cleaner), insistant blastbeats (drum beats done by a retard on speed, sounding a little like this: tum PAH tum PAH tum PAH tum PAH tum PAH) and "evil" vocals reminiscent of cross between a chicken clucking and a men with diarrhea. No bass is needed, you probably won't be able to hear it anyways with the shitty sound.
To look more evil, Black Metal "musicians" often paint themselves like panda bears and enjoy using evil nicknames like Euronymous, Varg, Fenriz, Havok, Horgh, Necrobutcher, Dead, Maniac, Infernus, King Ov Hell and Steve. This is called being "tr00".
The lyrics are often about Norse gods, Satan, atheism (nevermind the contradiction), the blood of virgins, frost, destruction and fjords. Here is an example of really brilliant poetry by one of the most successful bands in the genre:
Violent torture
Death has arrived
Armageddon
Terror and fright
Bleeding corpses
Rotting decay
Anarchy
Violent torture
Antichrist
Lucifer
Son of satan
Pure Fucking Armageddon
Pure Fucking Armageddon
- - Mayhem - Pure Fucking Armageddon
Deep, isn't it?
History
Black Metal was invented in 1984 by Norwegian heavy metal dopeheads when they wanted to form a band like that of their idols. Wanting to sound cool, wicked and pissed-off, but realizing there wasn't anything they could complain about in their country, they decided they could just sing about Satan, Death and stuff and how much they hate Christians. The aforementioned Black Metal sound was born from them picking up their instruments and trying to play. In their basements Black Metal, as we know it today, was born.
It quickly spread like Herpes to the rest of Scandinavia and from there to the rest Europe. New bands popped up everywhere following this new style, with minor variations. Some sang about frost and Satan, others sung just about Satan, others sung about frost and "paganism" and so on. White Metal also appeared eventually. It is the same as Black Metal, except it sings about loving Jesus, instead of desiring to sodomize him. Some boneheads even decided to include nazi/communism/racism propaganda in the lyrics (thus giving birth to National Socialist Black Metal, truly a noteworthy effort in making something stupid even MORE stupid).
However, even though everything was going nice, well and jolly, the genre soon started getting negative results from all the popularity. Yes, I'm talking about Cradle of Filth. Though they started like any other BM band, the use of excessive keyboards, Goth imagery and lyrics and even more annoying shrieks coming from a fat and short vocalist (as well as female vocals from an equally fat and short singer) resulted in this band becoming a poser/sellout band and horribly popular worldwide. Thirteen-year-olds from all over the world loved Cradle of Filth and, as a result, they became huge and now earn more money than any other BM band could dream of. Dimmu Borgir followed the same path.
Because of that, every tr00 BMer is obliged to hate both bands, under penalty of being stripped of their tr00 BMer status and being called a poser.
Black Metal Fans
There are two kinds of BM fans: Goths and tr00 Black Metallers. Though they're both losers with poor social skills and can both be characterized by wearing heavy black and white make-up, spikes and trying not to smile, the biggest difference between both is that Goths pretend to be sad, while tr00 BMers pretend to be evil. Goths are also more sociable and can be found in huge gatherings drinking red wine (while acting like a vampire), dancing and humping each other. Tr00 BMers are even more depressing as they can be seen in gigs just standing there, crossing their arms and staring. They're social pariahs even among their own group of social pariahs.
They also enjoy looking stupid in public and thinking people are afraid of them, when, in reality, they're being laughed and pointed at.
Ideology
There's no ideology. Being a satanic panda popsickle is NOT an ideology. If anyone says otherwise, they're stupid. If anyone takes Black Metal seriously enough to think it is deep, philosophical, poetical or ideological, s/he is stupid. Really fucking stupid.
