Bill O'Reilly
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Bill O'Reilly is stupid.
He is a politically conservative media figure masquerading as an independent who can be found spewing his opinionated drivel on FOX News and AM radio. In typical conservative fashion, his "guests" come in two categories; people he agrees with and who are allowed to talk, and people who he disagrees with who are made to suffer interruptions and downright rudeness. Popular with conservative media types, Bill uses the technique of sneaking in a cheap shot between subjects when talking to a guest. An example may go something like this:
David Letterman: "And so, Bill, you can see that the majority of Americans agree with me on this issue."
Bill: "Well, as usual, you prove yourself to be a Pinhead. Now on to another subject."
Between Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, there is enough proof that, as the band Bowling for Soup says, 'High School Lasts Forever'.
Contents |
Early Life
Bill was not actually born, but rather began life as a chunk of rock that fell out of Lincoln's nose at Mt Rushmore during the monument's construction. This alone was not sufficient to provide him Life, but this particular chunk of rock came to rest in a big, steaming pile of moose dung that was subsequently pissed on by a bear. The right chemical balance achieved, Bill sprang to life much in the form he takes on today. It is interesting to note that Mr O'Reilly has always been bald, perhaps explaining his noxious discontent and school-yard bully persona.
Formation of Personality
Sometime before 1975, Bill took his squishy moose-poop self to and fro in search of an audience for his stupid opinions. Many failed ventures followed, such as appliance salesman at Mel's Fridge's in Rancho del Idiotas, California. He never made a sale, due to rants like this one:
Customer: "So, does this washing machine get grass stains out?"
Bill: "What are you, an idiot? And what are you doing with grass stains on your clothes? Do you get them from hugging trees all the time, you Pinhead?"
(Are you seeing a pattern with this whole 'Pinhead' insult?)
Neocons and The Dumbing Down of America
In the latter years of the 20th Century, perhaps in 1984, paranoia over anticipated apocalyptic events surrounding the year 2000 caused a certain sect of the American public, often referred to as idiots, to rally together to form the FOX News channel. This proved to be a great vehicle for war-mongering, homophobic, xenophobic, 'Christian', flag-waving, racist, sexist, money-worshipping, folks to spread their message of death and profit to a wider audience than ever before. These people were called 'Neo-cons', from the Latin 'neo', meaning WAY stupid subhuman, and 'con', meaning someone who will soon be another man's bitch in prison. Unfortunately, enough Americans were taken in by these people to cause a division in America between people who could actually think for themselves and people who were constantly asking, "What am I supposed to think about this particular issue?" Neo-cons are easy to spot. They can be seen waving American flags at the drop of a hat, banding together in either whites-only, high income social events centering around boring music and expensive wine, or banding together in whites-only, low income social events centering around beer and NASCAR, and generally looking down their religious noses at anyone whose opinion runs counter to their own. As they believe they already know everything, they are not interested in learning from considering the opinions of stupid people, like you.
"Now these are my kind of people!", said ol' rock head, moose-poop, bear piss.
The Election of 2000
Enough people fell victim to the paranoia and skewed thinking of neo-cons that, in 2000, George W. Bush, another product of Mt Rushmore's rock, moose-poop, bear piss life cycle, was elected to the most powerful position a human being can occupy; the President of The United States. The Defense industry celebrated, soldiers said, "Of fuck!", homosexuals trembled, women dusted off their chastity belts, and oil tycoons broke out their maps to find countries they could take over for profit.
The Future for Bill O'Reilly
Luckily, Americans since 2000 have shaken off the paranoia of the changing century, and are beginning to expose the neo-cons for what they truly are; sub-human power-hungry people whose place in the grand scheme of things has met its zenith and are no longer needed to inhabit this planet. So they will, along with 'The Head', lie dormant in their moose-poop piles until another event occurs which enables them to spread paranoia among the American people and cause them to do things no rational human being would ever consider.
If you want to make O'Reilly really, really mad
Just mention Keith Olbermann. Trust us on this!
