Belgium
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Foucault's Pendulum - Umberto Eco
House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
Contents |
Belgium
General
The Kingdom of Belgium is a small and mostly insignificant land in northwest Europe. It tried to escape the stupidity of the other european nations, but is still bordered by the Netherlands, Germany, Luxembourg and France.
History
Early History
Belgium was once an affluent and rich place. It has been stepped over in many wars. They were involved in something called the Seventeen Provinces. Anyone who knows any math knows that 17 is a really lame number. They should have shot for something like Nineteen Provinces.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
The Eighty Years' War (1568–1648), divided the Seventeen Provinces. The Spanish and the Austrian Habsburgs ruled their asses afterwards. Until independence, they were hounded by numerous horny Frenchmen that called themselves conquerors. The French didn't want to hurt their pretty shoes and fought their wars on their land. At the end of the French Empire some of the aforementioned provinces got back together.
Independence
In around 1830, Belgium took the stand and became independent, Catholic, and neutered under a provisional government and a national congress. Since King Leopold I, Belgium has been a brothel monarchy and dyslexic democracy. They've developed three political parties to which invitation is scarce. Originally they were supposed to speak French but decided Dutch might be good enough too.
World War II
The country was occupied by smelly German butt during World War II.
After WWII
Belgium achieved Monk status and joined NATO with the rest of the Jedi. They participate in the European Union and suck up to the bigger nations. All in all it's still better than where you live.
Culture
The European Dis-Union
Everyone that's not in the European Union (E.U.) really hates Belgium because they're one of the founders of the European Union. Neither France nor Germany really cares as much about Belgium as they may pretend. The people of the Netherlands are too stoned to ever notice what the fuck is going on so forget them.
Why All The Confusion?
In fact, Belgium itself doesn't know what the hell is going on because their citizens are linguistically divided. Some of them speak something like Dutch while others speak French or something else entirely. Because they can't all speak the same language, they have political and cultural problems.
Cultural Contamination
Belgium chocolate is pretty famous, though there is speculation that instead of coco beans they use cockroaches and graphite to make their chocolates. Stupid Americans that have cheated on their wives still bring them home in an attempt at amnesty.
