Australia
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Australia is stupid
Australia, home of rednecks, crocodile hunters, prawns on the barbie, and Aboriginals. Sometimes referred to as America's 2nd bitch, or Austria by the less learned among us.
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Early (pre-1975) Australia
Australia was discovered sometime before 1975 by Captain James Cook, who was sent from England to The Antipodes to observe the collision of the Moon with Jupiter. This collision produced The Jovian Moons. On his return, Cook got lost and stumbled into Terra Australis Incognito, which he claimed in The Queen's name.
Australia was originally used by the English to dispose of lower class scum, principally because they spoke in a manner such as "I want one of vose fings wot cuts wood" and called everybody 'guv'ner', which really pissed off the ruling classes. Soon after, it became an attractive destination for disgraced professionals, forgers, curs, bounders, rotters, and cads.
Once Australia was established as a British colony, the great age of exploration began. Unfortunately, most of the explorers were stupid, usually being of the 'disgraced professional' type. Some carried boats into the interior, looking for an inland sea. Some attempted to cross the continent while carrying provisions such as full silverware sets and portable drinks cabinets. Some wandered around in circles, eventually missing their rescue party by a few hours, before expiring. Some even ate each other. The local Aborigines clearly found these shenanigans amusing.
An illustrative remark comes from Ernest Giles, an Englishman who was clearly perturbed that the Gibson Desert (a desert approximately 15% larger than England) contained no sheep, cows, fruit trees, or good pubs.
Just as I got clear of the bank of the creek, I heard a faint squeak, and looking about I saw, and immediately caught, a small dying wallaby, whose marsupial mother had evidently thrown it from her pouch. It only weighed about two ounces, and was scarcely furnished yet with fur. The instant I saw it, like an eagle I pounced upon it and ate it, living, raw, dying - fur, skin, bones, skull, and all. The delicious taste of that creature I shall never forget. I only wished I had its mother and father to serve in the same way.
The desperate straits that these heroically thick individuals found themselves in helped to shape the Australian national character. The phrase "she'll be right" is an illustrative example, and was stated by each and every doomed explorer immediately before they set out.
Common Pastimes of Australians
Australians enjoy eating, drinking, making love, and swearing over the internet. They take a keen interest in sport, specifically:
- Fighting in wars allied to Britain or The USA,
- Cricket,
- Getting owned by Stingrays,
- Manhunts,
- Two-up, and
- Boxing with kangaroos.
In recent years, Fighting in wars allied to Britain or the USA has become the favourite pastime, with Australian's fighting in World War I, World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Gulf War, the Invasion of Afghanistan, and the Gulf War 2 - Iraq Revisited. There is some contention over Australia's score in Gulf War 2 - Iraq Revisited, as Australia has yet to lose a soldier to direct enemy fire. Some people argue that this is because the USA actually sent Australia's troops to Death Valley, Arizona, and just told them that it was Iraq to keep them out of the game and make sure that they got a low score.
Politics
Australia is a Constitutional Monarchy. As the Queen detests colonials and refuses to be involved with the running of the country, dictatorial power is held by a Prime Minister, who is automatically selected to be the captain of the Australian Cricket Team who last won The Ashes. If Australia A fails to win The Ashes (an unlikely event), the Prime Minister holds power for a further term until a new captain wins The Ashes.
In 1984, the aforementioned system was suspended by national referendum, and David Boon was appointed King Boonie for life. On the death of King Boonie, the previous system will be restored.
Ten Notable Australians
1. King Boonie
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Australian Cities
Australia's capital city is Pittsville, a modern city of 4.6 million people. All other Australians live in small, scattered towns modelled after towns of the American West in the 1860s. One such example of this is Sydney, home to the world's last surviving steam powered train service network (or something) 'CityRail', and little else. What is preserved by CityRail in the way of nostalgia and memories of happy days sitting round the barbie in the buffet car is trampled by the crippling series of problems and misadventures commonly suffered by anyone stupid enough to travel this way. For example, in February 2005 the network was almost shut down after the recently disenfranchised coal elves went on strike for St Patrick's Day, which is ironically in March. With no coal, the network was forced to burn left handed orphans from an out of state orphanage. Two were saved to open the batting for Australia in future Ashes tests (because the English cannot bowl to lefties... or righties... or their own mothers... it was a nice thought), but the rest were willingly sacrificed to save a long-outdated railway thing. It's not their fault, they haven't fully evolved like you or I.
Australia's Future
Some people predict that Australia will just fade out of existence. Others think that Australia will become a new state of the USA.
King Boonie has stated that as Australia holds 98.6% of the world's uranium reserves, it will just keep bumbling along for another century getting drunk and playing in Britain and America's wars, until the rest of the world burns all of their coal and oil. At that point, Australia will immediately become the most powerful state on Earth.
