Auschwitz
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Auschwitz was stupid.
Auschwitz was a company that specialized in retail and human resources. It was pretty much the worst place to work.
Contents |
Employment
To work at Auschwitz, you had to wear a dumb suit and have an interview with an employer. Once employed, you had to live in company housing. You had to go out in a cold field and do construction work while supervisors would watch you to make sure you did not screw around.
As the demand for employment grew, wages dropped to zero dollars an hour. Employers began hiring people at such low standards, interviews eventually went like this:
Employer: (knocks on door)
Jew: Hello?
Employer: Can you perform manual labor?
Jew: Who the hell are you?
Employer: (to bodyguards) Grab 'im!
Environment
You had to work really hard for a low salary. Pretty much everyone worked extended hours with no overtime. Supervisors got high salaries to stand around and yell at employees.
Company housing sucked. There were rats, a really bad draft, and the TV got really shitty reception. You also had to live with fellow employees, who were assholes.
Since zero dollars an hour is not enough to buy food, you relied on the company to feed you. Cafeteria food sucked almost as much as Subway. One meal consisted of one cup of old water and a bowl of bland soup. You got one meal every two days. If, for any reason, you fancied another serving of bad food, you got yelled at or fired.
If you worked the night shift, you were forced outside to work. You were not allowed back into company housing until a supervisor let you in (kinda like Wal-Mart, but backwards).
Many of the supervisors uttered racial slurs about the employees. If you complained, you got fired (kinda like Wal-Mart).
There were no unions allowed. If you tried to start a union, you got fired (kinda like Wal-Mart).
If you did what you were told and did not complain, you got yelled at. Sometimes employers would fire you, just for the hell of it (kinda like Wal-Mart).
The working environment was almost twice as bad as Wal-Mart.
Leaving
Working in such a Wal-martesque place will make you want to leave. However, you couldn't ask to leave, since employers wouldn't let you (6 million underpaid employees not enough).
So, the only way to leave was to get fired. But that sucked, too. Because when you got fired, you got fired. Employers would take the incompetent, the lazy, and the guys who watched porn on company computers and throw them into a big oven. Made the other employees very suspicious about new cafeteria meatloaf.
Products
Amidst all the yelling and firing, the executives realized that they had not made any money. To make up for lost profits, they began marketing products like rugs, soap, and lamp shades. However, the only material they had lying around were a bunch of dead employees.
Instead of construction, you now had to make rugs and lamp shades that looked ugly. It also didn't help your morale when you had to make a rug out of the chick you nailed at the company Christmas party.
Going out of Business
Every crappy company has to go out of business sometime. Auschwitz had an "everything must go" sale. When they said "everything must go", they meant everything. They got rid of all the stuff they didn't sell, and fired the rest of their employees. To make sure they went out with a bang, Auschwitz founder Adolf Hitler called up America and asked if they could supply some fireworks for their final company party. 
The Americans sent too many fireworks, and the dumbass executives at Auschwitz were too cheap to hire a pyrotechnician. As a result, the Auschwitz warehouse went up in flames that day.
Major figures and where they are now
Adolf Hitler: Company founder and proprietor. Attempted to start a record business, but failed miserably. Committed suicide shortly after. The failed record company became the one that sells David Hasslehoff's music.
Erwin Rommel: A company executive. Took off to Tahiti with his new wife (a former stripper). After catching her with a black guy, they filed for divorce. Shot by a group of alcoholics after they accused him of cheating at a poker game.
Richard Baer: Executive manager. Took off to France. Once he realized it was full of sissies, he moved to America and changed his name to "Jack". Now stars on a popular show on FOX called "24".
Gottfried Feder: A company executive. Became a shoe salesman in New York. He has two sons, named Gilbert and Kevin. After many years of being disappointed with Gilbert for his annoying voice and with Kevin for his inablility to find a real job, Gottfried Feder died of a heart attack.
Thurman Schwarzenegger: Executive assistant. Still lives in France, where he runs an old porno store. He is constantly annoyed by mimes. His son lives in America. His son has some government job.
