Atheism
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Atheism is stupid.
Atheism is a cult religion started by Marlin Brando and Charles Darwin. Atheism is chiefly used as a method to scare any Mormons that knock on your door. It has no official holidays but to date there is no record of an atheist ever bitching about not having to work on Christmas or a Sunday. Since the youngest generation has been raised by parents with a taste for devil music atheism is now the only avenue left for young people to rebel.
A conclusive study performed by a Christian Youth Group concluded that approximately 0% of people in the United States are atheists. Homeless people are not atheists but always devout Christians, thus the need to say "God bless you" whenever someone gives them a nickle without expecting a blowjob in return.
Origins
The word atheist comes from the Greek word Athens which came from the Latin term meaning "man on man." The early Greeks practiced a primitive form of atheism which involved a man and a boy laying together the way a man and woman would.
Later, a dolphin named Darwin wrote a book about how men evolved from apes. Darwin was met with direct opposition from the children of God and many assassination attempts were made. Darwin needed a place to hide and met Sean Connery in a public bath house where Connery befriended Darwin in a secret plot to end Darwin's life. Together they went to a mountain range in Scotland where Connery threw Darwin over a cliff after having sex with him. To Connery's dismay Darwin did not die but was made a highlander from being thrown from the cliff. Darwin got up and went off to start the Church of Atheism and Connery's career was effectively ended. He never played James Bond again.
Beliefs and Practices
Atheists have strong faith in the word of Darwin. They believe that all men came from more primitive proto-humans and evolved into what they are now. Atheists spend most of their time preaching the words of cool scientific sounding things they hear on Comedy Central and stuff they read out of TIME magazine. This is done in an effort to convert non-atheists over to their non-religion. When they are not preaching most of their time is spent inside Barnes and Noble. Atheists like to hang out and spend hours trying to memorize Bible passages so they can use it in their no-Jesus rants.
Atheism is peculiar among religions in that its explanation of the universe does not actually explain the universe, but rather is a conglomeration of theories which have not yet been proven wrong. They're kind of maybe sure that everything was created by an explosion, but how nothing can explode is a somewhat fuzzier area of knowledge. This non-explanation is known as science, and is the "theism" in "Atheism." Priests of Atheism (commonly referred to as "scientists") conduct arcane rites in top-secret facilities, and give worship to the "All-Powerful Explosion, Creator of the Universe," before their altars, which are known as "Tables of the Elements."
Additionally, Athiests believe that
- All religions are cults
- You are a nigger
- They are niggers
- A book written by a dolphin is to be believed
- All religions are cults
- All cults are cults
- Religion is stupid
- All religions want your money
- The religions that do not want your money want your soul
- There is no soul
All atheists believe that every religion of the world wants them. Any eye contact from a Christian is usually considered an attempted conversion and something simple as a greeting from a Christian is viewed as Bible thumping. This is usually enough to throw them into a "no-Jesus because a talking dolphin said so" rant. They generally ignore the fact that saying there is no God, in the absence of concrete evidence, is just as radical a statement of faith as saying there is one.
