Art
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Art is stupid.
Art no longer exists. There was a time when people with vision and talent worked at their craft to create beauty. Today, art is a scam that allows the laziest, least gifted members of society to make money doing nothing. Every artist in the world is an unemployed jackhole who refuses to get a real job. Modern artists spend one day a month pissing on crucifixes and taking Polaroids of faggots with bullwhips hanging out of their assholes. The rest of the time they can be found in cafes wearing black clothes and sneering at everyone, then they all get AIDS and die. Because so many talentless fools have signed onto the pyramid scheme that is the art business, the definition of what constitutes art has been stretched to the point that it has no meaning. The word art is now applied to anything, including the music of Barbra Streisand, which proves it's a giant crock of shit.
Contents |
History
The first work of art was created by a guy who lived down the street from Fred Flintstone. He used to sneak off to a cave to get drunk and would play tic tac toe on the walls. A billion years later, some guy was poking around in the cave looking for gold and found the scrawls. Mistaking them for stick figures, he presented them to the scientific community and instantly became rich and famous for doing little and creating nothing. This immediately gave all the degenerates in the world a really bad idea, and now we have people like Annie Sprinkle getting paid to publicly stick a speculum in her cooch. Thanks a lot, moron!
Types of Art
Traditional Art
Way back before 1975, art was pretty much paintings of naked women and sculptures of naked women. This was back before fags had been invented, so art was extremely popular among the men of society, so much so that they created galleries and museums to give their porno fetish an air of respectability. A lot of this art still exists, but it's pretty tame compared to internet porn. Still, if you need a quick stimulus and your DSL is screwed up, a trip to the Met will work. Most modern art galleries encourage public masturbation. If they gripe at you, just claim you are a performance artist and they'll hand you a check for $50,000 of taxpayer money while you continue to pound your pud. Interestingly, modern-day pornographers still use the time-honored practice of claiming that their work is art to justify and legitimize the money they make off nasty perverted garbage like that internet video of some guy taking a horse crank up the pooper.
The most famous work of art by those guys back in Biblical times is the Mona Lisa, which was painted by Leonardo di Caprio just before he died aboard the Titanic. Today the painting would be considered crap by the faculty of any Art School, unless the artist took it to skid row and wiped a bum's ass with it.
Modern Art
Art was all pretty much flowers and pudgy naked broads until a drunken Spaniard named Pablo Picasso came along. He was only five foot three but girls could not resist his stare, and it is a documented fact that he was never called an asshole. He was only marginally successful as an artist until he stopped trying. He got his six-year-old nephew to draw a guy with a lute and passed it off as his own. All the sycophants of the art world, trying to out-hip each other, declared it a masterpiece. Picasso went out and bought an El Dorado and lived the rest of his life in a drunken stupor. This inspired a Polish housepainter named Jackson Browne to break into a Sherwin Williams, steal 42 gallons of paint, and splash it all over an 8x4 piece of plywood. From that moment on, the mantra of the art world became, "The uglier and more incoherent the piece, the greater the level of genius."
In 1984, some French loser went on a bender and blacked out until the day before his big art show. Desperate for something, he kicked a urinal off the wall of a local men's room, signed his name to it and mounted it at the gallery. Not one damn person had the stones to call it for the piece of crap it was, and a few years ago a bunch of complete fucking idiots named it the most influential piece of modern art in history. I am not making this shit up.
Now anything can be called art. Anything. That empty Coke can on your desk is art, but only if a homo from New York says it is. So the next time you take your two-year-old to McDonalds, instead of throwing away his used, ketchup stained napkin, why not frame it and sell it on the internet?
Performance Art
As easy as it is to scam people with talentless paint splatters, there are still some stunted morons who have even less talent than Kevin Federline. As a result, the genre of performance art was born. Performance art is by far the most idiotic bullshit ever conceived by anyone. Performance artists do things like stand on a street corner and scream obscenities or paint themselves yellow and sit atop a flagpole. None of this has any meaning or takes any creativity, but that seems to be the point. The purpose of performance art is to be as completely weird as possible and get paid for it. Most performance artists succeed at the first part and utterly fail at the second, so they have to work at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble. Now you know why everyone at those places is so creepy.
Adult Art
This is a store that calls itself a, "destination for discriminating adults who appreciate the art of sensuality." The "art" it sells includes crotchless panties, foot-long rubber dildos, and DVDs of a woman shoving a beer can up her snatch. Most of the patrons are college professors, washed up 80s pop stars, and Republican senators from Idaho, all of whom visit the back rooms to get blowjobs from winos.
F Art
An apt description of the majority of art today.
Those Responsible for the Fraud
The Artist
As described above, artists are the biggest con men on the planet. This is why they're often called con artists. Artists are leeches who live off other people. Most of them have to resort to homosexual prostitution, but they're cool with that because almost all artists are gay.
Once they find a benefactor, artists spend the majority of their time doing absolutely nothing. To fill their day, they hang out on the internet at myspace or Digg. They blow their rich guy a couple of times a week and, occasionally, will create a piece of art by drawing a penis and signing it.
Artists are extremely insecure. As such, they must dress and act as bizarre as possible. You will never see an artist in normal clothes. Rather, an artist will choose to stroll around downtown in lederhosen, a Kevlar vest, high-heeled leather ankleboots and a diving helmet. If you give him a funny look, he'll scowl back at you and say, "what are you looking at?" Artists are known for doing anything and everything to make their appearance as weird as possible, then getting offended when they get noticed.
The Benefactor
There are a lot of guys who are the grandsons of people who worked hard and created fortunes through successful business ventures. By the time the third generation got to the helm, all the hard work was done and they had nothing to do except spend money. As fun as that sounds, it apparently gets boring quickly, so these guys go out and find a gay lover because they aren't smart enough to know that almost any woman on the planet will spread 'em for less than $500. There are still some sane people in high society who don't consider chewing another guy's knob to be normal, so the rich guy has to claim he's supporting an artist. This symbiotic relationship is what perpetuates the creation of those crappy, four color portraits of Marilyn Monroe.
Occasionally, a benefactor will be an old woman who is living off her family fortune. These women like to think of themselves as worldly and aware, so they give their family members subscriptions to National Geographic while handing millions over to a guy with ear grommets and a throat tattoo for a bent tailpipe nailed to a trophy stand. The threat of being cut from the will is the only thing that keeps the grandkids from tossing these old bats into the Happy Acres Alzheimer's Farm.
The Art Critic
Next to Keith Olbermann, art critics are the most despicable people on the planet. In many cases they are worse than artists because they have absolutely no creative ability whatsoever (neither do most artists, but at least they try). Art critics are responsible for giving credibility to the crap churned out by baboons and Berkeley grads. Art critics are completely arbitrary with their praise. The only thing they all agree upon is that if it offends normal people (particularly Christians, white people, or farmers), it's good. This is why they will praise a blow-up sex doll covered in raw meat, but will savage a painting of a Madonna and child (unless the latter is painted in AIDS-infected menstrual blood).
Killing an art critic is a misdemeanor in eleven states.
The Government
There are a finite number of stupid rich people, so some artists can't find anyone to pay for their booze. Seeing an opportunity to buy more votes, the Democrats invented the National Endowment for the Arts, which is basically a welfare and food stamp program for artists. People go to the NEA and ask for $340,000 for their new project. The government is very shrewd, and will often only give half the requested money, so the "artist" gets $170,000, then molds a tittie out of monkey dung before spending the summer at a resort in Acapulco (ostensibly to recover from the taxing creative process). When the money runs out, he goes back and the whole thing happens again. Whenever taxpayers demand some accountability for this wasteful crap, artists accuse them of supporting censorship, fostering hate and a lacking any sophistication. In short, we're never getting rid of this idiotic agency. Ever.
Categories: Subculture | Hluaghluagh | Gay | Scams | GoldStar Articles
