April Fool's Day
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
April Fool's Day is stupid.
April Fool's Day (sometimes called "All Fools' Day" by the same pretentious knobwashers who refer to Halloween as "All Hallows' Eve") is a day where everyone is expected to play practical jokes. Designated as a national holiday by United States President Ronald Reagan who, on April 1, 1984 gave a radio address in which he declared that US warplanes were on their way to bomb the Soviet Union, the holiday is generally regarded as a method of humiliating your friends and coworkers who aren't paying close enough attention.
Contents |
History
Australopithecus and Neanderthal
These early humanlike species were too busy trying to stay alive hunting and gathering for basic sustenance to play jokes on one another. Also, language had not yet been invented and because of this they were not able to mock one another effectively, so April went by as any other month would - had calendars been invented yet. Which they weren't.
The Roman Emperor Neroneus
In what is regarded as the very first practical joke ever played, the Emperor Neroneus attempted to have the month of April named after himself. But since April is not Neroneus, and there is no sense in pretending that it is, the joke was lost on its target audience and Neroneus was assassinated soon after.
Modern Observance
Playing Jokes on Your Friends Because They Will Like You More if You Do
Your friends expect you to play practical jokes on them. Really, they do. Oh, how they laugh! You become more popular and everyone recognizes your superior genius because you, dear reader, are keeping a sharp eye on that calendar! Here are a few suggestions for practical jokes you can play on your friends:
- Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall -- a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight pin. Naturally they won't believe, so you set out to prove it. Get a glass of water and a pin. Hold the glass up to the wall and start to pin it up. And then drop the pin. You've got the glass in position just right, so you ask your friend real nice to get the pin for you. When they bend down to pick it up, dump the water on their head.
- Cut a piece of sheet metal into the shape of a gun and hide it in your friend's carry-on bag on your way to the airport.
- Declare that you have changed the value of Pi. Issue a press release.
- Dismantle your friend's car and reassemble it in his living room.
- Dismantle your friend's living room and reassemble it in his car.
- Go to one of those miniature golf courses that has a windmill hole. Replace the motor with one that can spin the windmill at about 1000 RPM. Then illuminate it with a strobe light so it looks like its moving at about the same speed as before.
- Wait till your friend is away for a weekend. Dip everything plastic (pens, phones, etc.) in liquid nitrogen, break it, and stick it together again. Everything plastic will break when he picks it up.
- Buy a cheap toy gun. Plant it in your friend's car. Then call the police and anonymously report that you saw a suspicious armed person in the area, and give the vehicle's description and location. A variation of this would be to plant baggies full of phony drugs.
- Enter subscriptions in your friend's name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR receives them.
- Call a mortuary and report your friend dead. Arrange to have his body picked up at his house sometime when he is at home.
- Collect an engorged tick from a dog, and keep it until it produces an egg mass. Hide the egg mass at a spot where your friend sits. Several hundred tiny "seed ticks" will patiently wait their opportunity to swarm over the first warm-blooded creature available. They are too small to easily pick off, and just large enough to see.
