Alien
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Aliens are stupid.
Aliens are stupid in two ways: They are stupid as in they are bad news for humans, and they are stupid as in they have low intelligence. They always cause mass destruction before they get destroyed—which they almost always do. Never mind the fact that all alien life is more advanced than humans, they will almost always do something in which they fuck up their invasions.
Don’t think that the human race can just shrug off these invasions, though. They are known to kill millions—even billions before they are stopped. In order to fully arm yourself against aliens, you must know their history and their weaknesses.
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Aliens: A Short History
Aliens are probably something that are completely foreign to us, except that we wouldn’t really know what something that foreign to us looks like. Instead, movies depict aliens usually as some type of quadruped (that is, four appendages) that resembles either an Oompa Loompa or a giant insect.
Aliens were invented by Steve Jobs and were sent into a black hole, which speed up their time relative to ours. In the past 10 years, aliens have had 2000 years to improve on what Steve Jobs gave them when he invented them: an iMac and a 50 dollar gift card to iTunes. Unfortunately, the aliens wasted 49 dollars on numerous rap CDs from Jay-Z.
They also bought one Yellowcard song.
Sex
You can’t really tell the difference between a male alien and a female alien, most likely because the only type of alien you will ever come in contact with is a male alien. This is because of the fact that aliens are far superior to mankind, and have finally realized, once and for all, that females are only good for Fucking and Cooking. When they go on trips do destroy galaxies, they usually leave their females at home. Otherwise, they will spend the entire flight to earth complaining about the lack of beauty sleep and why their husbands never take them out anymore. Maybe it’s because we’re on a fucking spaceship, you fucking bitch. Taking you out would involve being suffocated.
Alien Encounters and What We Can Learn From Them
Aliens always seem to find Earth before we even know they are there (Although some have suggested there are already Aliens among us). They almost always bring some time of gargantuan weapon or special abilities that have no scientific foundation. With every alien encounter there is always one thing to learn: Their weakness.
Weaknesses
Kryptonite
Kryptonite is a rock from Krypton, which is the home planet of Superman. Basically, it’s a green rock that lights up whenever Superman is near it. There are other types of Kryptonite, as well. There are black kryptonite, red kryptonite, rainbow kryptonite, and baby blue kryptonite.
Water
Although it is implausible that aliens would come to a planet that is mostly water and try to take it over, they do so in Signs. If you ever see an alien, the first step you can take is to squirt that mother fucker back where he came from. The preferred weapon of choice is the Triple Aggressor Super Soaker, which is currently available from Amazon at the low price of 19.99 (You save 20%). However, it seems odd that the item description does not mention it’s alien fighting abilities once!
Sickness
Got Chicken Pox? Fuck those aliens up. In War of the Worlds, aliens decide to rape earth, and suddenly, they get sick and die. In fact, The United States Government has had a program called Enemy Swab, in which in the case of an alien attack, swabs from the throats of whores, prostitutes, and other synonyms for ladies of the night, are loaded into “Q-tip Cannons” and launched at the alien ships, in hopes of getting the aliens sick.
Computer Virus
Computer viruses are incredibly handy tools in fighting alien invasions. Inevitably, most aliens don’t keep their virus software up-to-date, mainly because they think using Mozilla Firefox protects them from basically everything. Luckily for us, the dolt from IT on the alien motherboard has probably spent 90% of his working hours downloading alien porn and the latest episode of Lost using Bittorent for the last 2000 years and never bothered to update Norton Antivirus, Even though it pops up every two seconds telling you that there are critical updates, and in a week’s time you just give up and uninstall the piece of shit. Not to mention the fact that it alerts you EVERY FUCKING TIME A PROGRAM TRIES TO ACCESS THE INTERNET, GOD FORBID I TRY TO CHECK MY FUCKING EMAIL.
Jesus Christ
There aren’t really any well-known movies about Jesus Christ fighting aliens, although some retard has probably made one. Jesus Christ as the protagonist isn’t really a fair fight for anyone anyways, so there’s really no room for a good movie. The Jesus® Karate Chop™ has been rumored to destroy motherships with a single chop.
A Fence
A Fence will keep out all of the illegal aliens from entering your country. Usually illegal aliens are Mexicans. The picture to the right shows a sign on Freeway 5, which is close to the Mexican/American border. It warns drivers that there is target practice being held nearby, and some Mexicans may have escaped, and they are probably armed and dangerous.
Towels
If you have been in any math class where the professor asks the answer to a question, there will inevitably be a few nerds wearing glasses with that long string attached that goes around there head that will yell “42!” about a million times each class, each time laughing as if it were a new joke. What are they talking about? Well, they are talking about The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a book by some fag.
In this book, it is discussed that the best way to scare off aliens is with a towel. Thus one can see that just as the cockroach can survive any nuclear fallout, Arabs will probably survive any alien attack due to their towel-headedness.
Do not let them phone home
What most people don’t know is that War of the Worlds is a sequel to ET: The Extraterrestrial. He called home—not because he wanted to go back, but because he was telling the fleet to come destroy this piece of shit we call a planet.
Find Five Teenagers With Attitude
When all else fails, and you find yourself as a head trapped in a glass tube, your last hope can be to tell your robot (that never stops saying aiy-yay-yay-yay-yaaaa) to “find five teenagers with…attitude!” Then make a successful 90’s TV show out of it. Your teenagers must have costumes and large bionic robots they can ride in, that can later connect with each other and form MEGAZORD.
The prerequisite of this, of course, is to racially profile all of the teenagers. If you have Asians and African-Americans, you have to color their costumes according to their race. Asians are obviously yellow, and African-Americans are, well, black.
