Alan Colmes
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Alan Colmes is stupid.
Alan Colmes forms one half of the host roster for FOX News program called "Hannity & Colmes". Of course, being on FOX News is in itself grounds for being referred to as stupid (proof is in the movie "Idiocracy"). Alan Colmes takes this inherent stupidity and adds to it.
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How Alan Colmes adds to the stupidity that is FOX News
- Allowing himself to be mocked and humiliated nightly by an audience made up of self-righteous Republicans who only tune in to get the next day's 'I love George W. Bush' talking points.
- It is entirely obvious to anyone who has ever seen the show that he is in fact a small waxwork android fitted with a voice synthesizer cannibalized from a Talking Barbie. This synthesizer has had its original phrases replaced with ones geared toward the target demographic of the Fox News Network, such as "Liberals are shit", "You are right, Sean", "Good God, Sean, you could not be more right", and "Will we ever have enough clothes?"
- Alan is constantly heckled by his co-host Sean Hannity on camera in front of a nationwide audience, like some 98-lb weakling getting sand kicked in his face at the beach.
Early life
Alan was born in a commune in Oregon sometime before 1975. His hippie parents, Lovemuffin and Buttnugget, took great pains to see that Alan never confronted another human in a hostile manner. Bloodied and bruised and devoid of lunch money, Alan at age 18 headed out from the commune and went to New York City in pursuit of his dreams.
New York City
Alan arrived in New York City in 1984 penniless and bleeding from the rectum (hey, ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free!). He went to several news outlets in search of employment only to be turned down time and time again for a host of reasons including, "you're too much of a pussy", "we already have our token fag here", and "fuck you!".
Down on his luck and about to give up, his hand was stepped on by a polished shoe on day as he slept in his newspaper blankets outside the FOX News New York studio. Grimacing in pain and looking up, Alan came face to face with the beady-eyed countenance of none other than Sean Hannity, the overweight, self-righteous, Bush's ass-licking, Limbaugh impersonating radio talk show host. Hannity immediately got the idea for a television show seemingly representing both major American political ideologies, which he initially wanted to call "Hannity & Some Pussy Liberal".
"What's your name?", asked Hannity to this destitute specimen. Alan told Sean his name, and the name of the show was finalized.
Personal life
Alan currently resides in a potato cellar in New Jersey with his 'wife', Bob, and their three 'children', Fido, Fluffy, and Spot.
