Al Sharpton

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Al Sharpton is stupid.

Al Sharpton is the living personification of the adage, "Stupid is as stupid does." Sharpton goes by the title Reverend, but no one has ever determined where he attended divinity school. He has also called himself Doctor Sharpton, Lawyer Sharpton, Ethnomusicologist Sharpton, President Sharpton, Emporer Sharpton, and Askronaut Sharpton, but Reverend is the only title that stuck. Sharpton underwent oral surgery in 1984 to unhinge his jaw, making his mouth bigger than his face.

Contents 1 Early Years 2 Civil Rights Activism 3 Tawana Brawley 4 Duke Lacrosse Team 5 Present Day

Early Years

Al Sharpton was created in a government laboratory by the CIA sometime before 1975, for the express purpose of destroying black Americans, but the Agency found him to be so horrible and disgusting that they put him back in the test tube and created AIDS instead. However, one night some dumb janitor knocked over the beaker holding him and he escaped. Ever since, Sharpton's been destroying the American black community just like he was designed to do and blaming it on white people.

He hooked up with a traveling circus as a youngster and got a job as the dog-faced boy, but soon found he had a gift for weight guessing, so at the tender age of 4 he started convincing fat bumpkins to give him a dollar to guess their weight, age or sex. His first night, he took in $15 and gave away 50 cents worth of crap.

One night, a local faith healer was visiting a nearby brothel and heard young Al screaming at the white people. He kidnapped Sharpton and told him that white people were responsible for everything bad and refused to send him to school. Thus were born Sharpton's bitterness and ignorance - two gifts which he continues to use today.

By age six Sharpton was preaching in black churches throughout the rural South. He quickly learned how to blame white people and pass the collection plate. He also developed an affinity for fried food, attaining the weight of 230 pounds before his tenth birthday. When it cost more to feed Sharpton than he was bringing in through his sermons, the old faith healer took him to a Denny's in Fort Smith, Arkansas and snuck out between Al's fifth and sixth Grand Slam Breakfasts, stranding him. Sharpton blamed this on white people.

Civil Rights Activism

Sometime before 1975, Sharpton turned up in New York City where he took a job selling jewelry to pimps. He was arrested, but he blamed it on white people, so the police, fearing a riot, let him go. He bumped into a guy who was just getting out of jail and was heading to a lunch counter sit it. When Sharpton heard the words "lunch counter", he made a beeline for the demonstration.

At the protest, someone gave Al his first bullhorn and it was love at first sight. Over the next three days, the protestors marveled at Sharpton's ability to stay seated for long periods of time and to speak and eat simultaneously. Sharpton split his time between eating while yelling through his bullhorn and just eating everything the diner had. By the end of the third day, the lunch counter was completely out of food and had to close down for good. Al blamed the lack of food on white people. It was then realized that he realized he could use the civil rights movement to enrich himself much more quickly and effectively than faith healing or selling fake gold jewelry.

He organized several marches, but nobody showed up. Sharpton blamed it all on white people, but still no one came, so he went to Jesse Jackson to take lessons on how to milk the good faith of the African American community and how to exploit white guilt. After a couple of years with Jackson, Sharpton had developed his skills of blaming white people to a fine art.

Tawana Brawley

In 1984, a young black girl named Tawana Brawley stayed out too late for the third night in a row. Knowing that her mother would be extremely angry, she rolled around in dog crap and wrote the word "Nigger" on her arm with a Sharpie. Expecting only to get out of trouble, she found herself in Sharpton's office with an outraged Mama Brawley at her side, begging for justice. Al looked at Tawana and saw dollar signs, all-you-can-eat buffets, and legions of white people to blame. He immediately trumped up the charges and locked Brawley in a church. He spent the next two weeks blaming white people and extorting money from good intentioned blacks.

A couple of years later it all went to trial and Brawley's story fell apart. Since there was no money left to be had, Sharpton skipped on to the next victim and refused to apologize to the people he wrongly accused of being gang rapists and child molesters. When asked why he didn't apologize, Al said, "They're white! Duh!"

After that, Sharpton's race hustling business experienced a downturn, so he ran for President just for the hell of it. The Democratic candidates were scared to death of him, so they tiptoed around his belligerance and employed buckets of phony respect. Sharpton got fewer votes than any person in the history of the Democratic party. More people wrote John Wayne Gacy's and Nikita Khruschev's names than pulled a lever for Sharpton. The evening of after the New Hampshire primary, Al ate an entire pig for supper and then dropped out of the race, blaming his poor showing on white people.

Duke Lacrosse Team

A couple of years ago, a black hooker got mad at some white lacrosse players at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina and accused them of rape. As soon as the news hit the airwaves, Sharpton was on a television blaming white people for the whole incident. Despite the fact that he never talked to the police, the accuser, the accused, or anyone in Durham, Al was suddenly an expert on the case and continued to blame the white guys.

As the case progressed, it became evident that the hooker was lying, but Al just blamed the cracks in her story on white people. It was then revealed that the Durham DA was obstructing justice in an attempt to railroad the players. Al took that opportunity to point the finger at the white DA.

When the whole incident was proven to be a complete lie and the players were completely exonerated, Sharpton didn't say anything. This was the first documented incident of Al Sharpton ever shutting his mouth.

Unfortunately, Don Imus opened his and called a bunch of butch basketball players from Rutgers the same name every rapper calls every black female, but since Imus is reportedly not black, Sharpton started yelling. CBS Radio immediately fired Imus, not for employing a slur, but strictly for giving Al Sharpton a reason to open his yapper again.

Present Day

Despite being proven a liar, a racist and an ignorant fool, Sharpton continues to feed at the civil rights trough, generating outrage where there is none, making mountains out of molehills, and blaming white people for every damned thing. Recently he took to the podium when a group of New York City cops were acquitted of shooting a black man, but since some of the cops were black, Al chose only to blame the white cops.

Sharpton has become best friends with Bill O'Reilly. Whenever there's a racial issue, O'Reilly invites Sharpton on to prove he's not a racist and Sharpton comes on so he can get airtime and blame white people via satellite.

He is also reported to be in talks with a New York ad agency about doing several spots as the Kool Aid Man. Al is said to be entertaining the offer, since Kool Aid doesn't offer any drink mixes that are colored white.