9/11
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
9/11 is stupid.
Now that this article has been forwarded to the FBI, CIA, and the NSA, let me tell you exactly why 9/11 sucks more than other days in the year.
Contents |
The Actual Day
On September 11, 2001, a bunch of faggots boarded some planes with the sole intention of forever inconveniencing every single American traveler for the rest of eternity. They totally abused the "This is my first time flying can I see the cockpit" loophole, and forever ruined future comedies about airplanes. In a post 9/11 world there will never be an old man asking a young boy if he's ever been to a Turkish prison. This is how you know the terrorists have already won. They used their junior pilot status to ram these planes into the two towers of the World Trade Center, into the Pentagon, and the other one crashed into a preschool. A bunch of preschoolers dying is much too funny for such a solemn day, so they moved the fourth plane into a field in Pennsylvania which made it much sadder, because who would want to spend their last moments on Earth in Pennsylvania?
Every single news station had coverage of the crashes, except Nickelodeon which had a marathon of Sponge Bob Square Pants, which is sort of like a mini 9/11 all on its own. Some anchors cried and some other people just sat there looking tired and confused. Nobody really knew what was going on. It was analogous to two virgins going all the way. There was a lot of fumbling and speculating, but it ended with us getting accidentally fucked in the ass. There were lots of rumors such as the white house had been attacked, that Walt Disney's corpse was the lead hijacker, or that President Bush was competently handling the situation. In fact he was busy reading to a bunch of little kids, which was probably going to lead to the coolest story to pick up girls with in a few years. "On 9/11 I was chillin' with the President." I would totally fuck that kid.
At the end of the day people were either sitting at home scared out of their minds, signing up to join the Army, or trying to claw their way out of rubble. It was hard to go to sleep that night, and your airplane themed mobile hanging over your bed didn't help. All planes had been grounded and made to sit in time out and think about what they had done. Roughly 3 billion people had been killed. Rescue operations were non-existant because New Yorkers don't give a shit about each other.
The Aftermath
War on Abstraction
President Bush, sensing an opportunity to escape the "lol bush iz dum" meme that had been perpetrated mostly by how dumb he is, declared war on the word terror. The first thing he did to defeat this word was to pronounce it "terrir" and terror sympathizers as "terrists." The United States then attacked Afghanistan, who had been found to be harboring copies of the Oxford English Dictionary that still included the pre-9/11 spellings. Then in a move that caught both terror and the world off guard, the Bush Administration attacked Iraq. This has been widely regarded as a mistake by anybody who has a reasoning ability greater than a two year old. Iraqis don't even use the word terror, because they speak in scribbly. As of 2008, the war on terror has actually created more usage of the word terror, and made it likely that a negro may become President of the United States.
The 24 Hour News Network
People decided that instead of waiting for news to come at 5 and 11, they wanted it all the time so they could hear about them damn hajjis getting their heads blown off while they ate their hungry man dinner at 7:35. The 24 hour News Networks were born. They were suddenly forced to come up with 24 hours of programming, although in a given day only about 30 minutes of interesting stuff actually happens and lets face if you're only going to watch the news until the first commercial comes on. This gave rise to personalities who graduated from the prestigious "Good Looking Peoples' School of Journalism." All this extra time was filled up with opinionated idiots instead of actual news. People like Bill O'Rielly and Kieth Olberman are more interested in telling you how they feel about the news than doing their job of repeating what is already being displayed on the ticker at the bottom of the screen like responsible news anchors. When one of these blab-mongers feels the same way that you do, you think they're a champion of free speech. When you disagree, you lay in bed at night masturbating to the thought of them getting stabbed in the neck with an American flag.
Crippling Fear
One of the most stable things to come out of 9/11 is the general fear-paralysis that accompanies a civilization facing any sort of military threat and/or Carrot Top tour. The American people became frightened for the first time in almost 20 years, and immediately gave the people currently in power any authority they needed to make the bad guys go away. Habeas Corpus kind of sounds like an Arab name, and it was promptly locked away in Guantanamo Bay indefinitely. To tell Americans how scared they should be, the government was kind enough to release a color coded chart, so even illiterate retards (like people in The South) could be properly scared shitless. Also the rainbow reminds you to be scared of gays as well; because after terrorists, gays are the number one threat to large and rigid towering behemoths ready to explode as soon as they are rammed by assholes. I'm emailing that clever penis joke to my mom because she tells her friends she's not proud of me. Well better change that Christmas card this year mom!
Music
Music diverged into two categories. You had your basic war-whiners bitching about the war. Unfortunately no college kids were shot, so no sweet repeats of Crosby, Stills and Nash's "Ohio," which is a pretty cool song. Instead we got the Dixie Chicks who said something about Texas and then some Texans did something and the rest of the country watched in a lethargic stupor as two irrelevant entities fought for title of who gives a shit. On the other end of the spectrum you had cowboys singing songs about putting objects (usually a boot or some sort of foot covering, perhaps a moccasin?) into your butt. The American flag was to these videos what a girl with a big black ass is to rap videos. Approximately 5000 of these songs were made and subsequently blasted out of lifted pickup trucks around the country.
Memory
In memory of all those who died on 9/11, sometimes on September 11th, a TV station will list off the names. Other times everybody is pretty busy or in a food coma after labor day, and we forget about 9/11 until the 13th or so. Unfortunately hallmark doesn't make a "Happy Belated 9/11" card yet, so if you forget, go with a nice box of chocolates and maybe some flowers (not sunflowers though, that's tasteless). I don't actually know who to wish a happy 9/11 to so I just say it to everybody. This is widely regarded as "inappropriate" and "reason for expulsion."
Collectors Plates
So far no collectors plates featuring the busts of the 3000 dead have been released. If you are interested in seeing this product come to fruition, I have an investment opportunity for you.
War Ships
I think they made some ships with pieces of the twin towers wreckage. This seems really dumb though because those ships are going to be kamikaze magnets. I'd rather not tempt fate, because it has a way of winning. We should keep those ships in the Atlantic where the crazy Japanese can't get to them. Better yet, we should keep them in the Great Lakes to shoot at Canadian pleasure boats that start to look uppity. I bet the sailors on those ships get crazy nightmares and see ghosts and shit everywhere. Also I bet it's hard to eat in that mess hall because that whole ship probably smells like dead people. Once I ran over a bum in New York and I could not get rid of the smell, and had to sell the car.
Everybody Loves Raymond
I'm pretty sure this show has something to do with 9/11, but I never actually watched it.
9/11 in the Future
In the future 9/11 will probably be forgotten, much like Pearl Harbor has been. Ask anybody under the age of 30 and they will not be able to tell you on what day the Koreans attacked us. I went to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii and all they have is one shitty monument floating over a rusty boat. In 50 years we'll have a kick ass new sky scrapper that will totally take the place of those other shitty buildings, and everybody will be like "Nineelevawhat?"
