 Our women are the worst drivers and are just itching to get back behind the wheel and get naughty. Watch as they hit parked cars, talk on the phone and swerve into oncoming traffic - just a few of the dirty things they'll do for you! Fetishes are stupid.
A fetish is something that provides sexual pleasure to someone that generally doesn't provide sexual pleasure to the majority of the population, because they are not asshat sociopaths. People with fetishes are generally tolerated by society, but only because they tend to hide their fetishes, out of shame or fear of reprisal. Because no, you faggot, sticking cell phones up your butt ISN'T normal and you DESERVE a beatdown.
A History of Fetishes
When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Get Freaky
Somewhere along the line of human evolution, someone decided that the usual combinations of breasts/vagina/ass/legs were not enough for sexual pleasure. Humanity asked itself, "What else can turn us on and satisfy our sexual urges?"
Humanity pondered this question. A panel of its finest thinkers were called in. Jesus was baffled. Mohammad was stumped. Buddha wouldn't answer his phone. Mankind's consistent search for depravity led it to try various combinations of fire, water, humiliation and painful beatings. These ideas were originally abandoned for having undesirable side effects (until undesirable side effect fetishes were invented - but more on that later) because mankind discovered that if you try hard enough, non-sexual body parts can be sexually arousing and nothing need be bruised.
Non-sexual Fetishes (Not Making This Up)
The first non-sexual body part to be the subject to a fetish was feet. Historically seen more as a walking implement than an arousing body part, those who considered themselves "normal" rejected the idea of being aroused by feet, while foot fetishists, backed by Hollywood liberals, declared it an "alternative lifestyle." Foot fetishists were soon accepted into society and were featured in several television sitcoms which cast them as cute and quirky "eccentric" types - silly, perhaps, but ultimately harmless. Plans for several large concentration camps were scrapped.
It was at this point those who could not manage to get aroused by feet but liked the fetish concept demanded that other non-taboo body parts be deemed available for their sexual fixation. Grudgingly, this notion was accepted by the public at large, provided that the hand/hair/fat/nose fetishists kept their stupid hand/hair/fat/nose fantasies to themselves, with one small exception. An acne fetish will never be accepted. Not now and not ever.
It eventually became apparent that for some, a simple body-part fetish was not enough. Some began to find pleasure in whole bodies being adorned in certain materials, such as corsets, miniskirts or biohazard suits. Others were still turned-on by body parts, but they had to be doing something, or having something done to them. A minority found pleasure not in body parts but in what is created by the body itself. Things such as urine, shit, vomit, spit, snot and insulin were seen as fair go by this rapidly-sickening movement.
Inanimate Object Fetishes (You Can't Make This Stuff Up)
Inanimate objects were also introduced into sexual play. Why fetishists felt the need to incorporate everyday tools and objects into their filthy, immoral lifestyle was anyone's guess. Carrots, bananas, cucumbers and pineapples were no longer just nutritious fruits and vegetables. We know you're going to think we're pulling your leg here, but there is even a balloon fetish, where the opposite sex blowing up, popping and playing with a balloon is, in some way, arousing.
Violent Fetishes (You Wouldn't Make This Stuff Up)
As boredom set in, fetishes took a turn for the violent. The violence was mostly perpetuated by feminists using sexual pleasure as an excuse to beat up, humiliate and degrade men, as well as spend more time outside of the kitchen. Disgruntled women would lure men back to their house, then handcuff, whip, spank and humiliate them, all the while promising the man that he would get a chance to reciprocate, all the while blissfully unaware that the woman intends to report him to the authorities and charge him with assault. Some men have come to enjoy this, begging their mistress for punishment and humiliation. Thanks guys!
It was at this low point in the history of fetishes that God gave up hope on humanity and began to send a barrage of tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes and reality TV shows. Fetishists have not taken the hint and continue to defecate on each other, tie each other up and write zit-popping fantasies on message boards.
 Now more than something at children's parties! Fetishes and the Interbang
Thanks to the advent of the Internet, it is now not only possible for fetishists to get together and trade voyeur photos of people sneezing, but it is also possible for us unfortunates to hear about it. Like-minded fetishists would gather on a message board where they discuss their fetish, swap photos, share fantasies and convince themselves that the rest of society has the problem, not them.
Pornography companies have capitalized on the ever-growing fetish market, paying models to look like they're actually enjoying themselves while farting in each other's faces.
The United States House of Representatives will debate two bills - AB -1217 & AB 1217-A allowing local cable access channels and YouTube.com to carry 3 minute films featuring fed-up citizens, chosen by lottery, hunting down & smacking the holy shit out of the following people - Britney Spears, her parents, Lindsay Lohan, her parents, Paris Hilton, her entire family, OJ Simpson, John Kerry, lazy niggers, Cardinal Roger Mahoney for hiding pedophile priest and paying out $600 million to their victims, silly thin people who wear size zero, 500lb people on SSI, Oprah, Gayle King, Michael Moore, people who name their kids Jesus Lopez, boorish youth pastors, Maxine Waters, asian drivers, born-again Christians who name their children N-E-V-A-E-H - heaven spelled backward, Robert Kennedy Jr., Scott Peterson, Rosie O'Donnell, Barry Bonds, white trash lottery winners who win $30 million dollars but still go bankrupt in 3 years or less, Donald Trump, Al Gore, Mexicans, illegal aliens, Laurie David in an effort to provide much needed sexual release to so many frustrated losers.
CONCLUDING LINE
If any mute clowns pop into your mind while you are whacking off, and they whisper sweet nothings in your ears then you are...
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